Bus No. 6

I'm just a School Bus Cowboy

2011-04-09T15:06:00.001-05:00

I've recently "discovered" Lyle Lovett. Bought two of his albums, hum his songs as I drive around town, and have even been inspired to write a song or two in his style.

"I'm Just an Old Guy" is the product of all that inspiration.

I’m just an old guy, nothing new.
I like the old ways, the old songs, and old pickups, too.
I like a woman who grew up watching Lucy and Rick.
I’m just an old guy.

Don’t you see that bouncy blonde
standing over by the bar
in her stilettos, and a skirt so tight
you’d think it was illegal,
sipping on a cocktail
and laughing with her friends?
She’s too young for me,
No, that ain’t what I need.

You can read the rest of this poem/lyric tribute for Lyle Lovett at www.schoobuscowboy.com. It's my new home, and I'm loving it.

See ya' soon.

It's time for a change

2011-03-18T15:45:00.001-05:00

I think for everyone there comes a time when you just have to stop doing the things you're doing because maybe you're bored, or feel a need to go in a new direction, and so you do it, throw caution to the wind, hoping that things will turn out all peachy keen.

A risk, yes, but also a new challenge.

I'm heading over to my new website www.schoolbuscowboy.com.

Same writing, same humor, same old me, but just with a different focus.

First off, I'm a teacher. To make a bit more money I drive a school bus. It's not a bad gig. I'm out in the country, the kids are great, and the sunrises are even better.

Several years ago I started this site, www.busno6.com. Some of my riders read it. Administrators enjoyed it. I also had www.stinkycreektexas.com which eventually morphed into www.tracyfarr.net.

I'm hoping to combine all the best attributes of each site into one: www.schoolbuscowboy.com.

We shall see how it works.

I hope you'll join me. If not, I don't blame you.

Smile for the birdie

2011-01-15T10:25:00.000-06:00

So there I was, sitting in the driver's seat before my morning route, waiting for the heater to warm up, when all of a sudden something hit me in the back of the head -- and then it fluttered in front of my face.

At first I thought, "Boy that's a big bug," but when it perched on my dashboard I saw it was a little bird.

"No how did YOU get on this bus?" I thought to myself. "And do you have a note saying you can ride today?"

Of course he didn't, so I opened up the door and the driver-side window hoping the little critter would make a quick exit so I could start my route -- and the little bugger flew to the back of the bus.

I could tell he was a new rider because it sat itself on the back of the seat. All my regular riders know NEVER to sit on the back of the seat. They sit IN the seat!

Anyways, I walked to the back of the bus, the bird flew to the front, and right out the window.

I'm mostly upset about one thing: Our transportation supervisor didn't give me any paperwork on this new rider.

I guess I'll have to talk to him about that on Tuesday!

I'm Cold

2010-11-07T08:50:00.000-06:00

Sometimes when I'm driving my school bus, an idea for a poem just pops in my head. Since I'm driving, I can't just pull out a notebook and write it down, so I keep it up there in my little noggin, repeating it over and over again, until I get back to the school.

If they're long poems, I usually forget the best parts, then get mad because it would have been the best poem in the world if only I could have committed it to paper. The short ones I usually remember in full.

This poem is a short one. It's called:

I'm Cold

By Tracy Farr

My feet are cold, my ears are cold,
My elbows, knees and nose are froze.
To sneeze would really not be nice.
I'd shatter into chunks of ice.

Bus No. 6 is back in action

2010-11-01T18:50:00.000-05:00

That's right! After five months in the shop, Bus No. 6 is back hauling kids on the back roads, and I couldn't be happier!

No, Bus No. 6 isn't the prettiest bus in the fleet. Nor is it the fastest. And it's certainly not the quietest. But Bus No. 6 and I have history. Lots of history.

Remember the times the kids barfed in the back and I had to clean it all up? No? Well, I do.

Remember those cows that dropped turds right in front of the bus just because they could? You would if you had to smell it every day -- and they're still doing it.

Remember that hay tractor that slammed into the front and put us out of action for several months? Aha! I KNEW you'd remember that one.

And who could forget the Lexus that caused this last little bit of shop time?

I know I haven't written much lately about the goings on of this route, but -- and this is going to sound silly -- without Bus No. 6, I really haven't felt like writing much.

But now that it's back -- now that me and my buddy are back in the saddle again -- who knows what will happen.

Stay tuned!

How about some Halloween poems?

2010-10-30T19:03:00.001-05:00

Since it's Halloween Weekend, here are some "scary" poems that I hope you will enjoy!

I've Never Seen a Werewolf

By Tracy Farr

I've never seen a werewolf
     howling at the moon at night.
I've never seen Count Dracula
     sucking blood with just one bit.
I've never seen a poltergiest
     slam doors or make things float.
I've never seen an ogre
     suck on bones until he chocked.
I've never seen the scary things
     you read about in verse.
But I saw Dad without a shirt
     and that was ten times worse!

Frankenstein

By Tracy Farr

Frankenstein, oh Frankenstein,
Was it just luck or by design
That you did make a monster dance
And scare us so we’d pee our pants?

Beware of Goblins

By Tracy Farr

I thought I heard a Goblin in my closet Monday night.
It scratched and bumped against the door and gave me such a fright.
My mother said, "It's just a mouse. Now go to sleep. Good night."

On Tuesday I do swear I saw the doorknob turn around.
It moved about two inches and it never made a sound.
My father checked the closet, "See, there's nothing to be found."

Wednesday night my closet door creaked open really wide.
Thursday night I saw red eyes a gleaming from inside.
"You're crazy, you just dreamed it," said my sister with a sigh.

Friday night the Goblins came and dragged me out of bed.
They pulled me down a hole and tied me up, and then they said,
"On Saturday you'll be right tasty with our loaf of bread."

The moral of this story is that Goblins like to hide,
Behind the closet door, your children see them, they don't lie.
Beware of Goblins on the hunt, they will not be denied.

The Bats

By Tracy Farr

Little Jenny saw a bat
It landed on her brother's hat.
Soon she saw a hundred more,
And then her brother was no more.

A new story? Why not!

2010-10-17T09:45:00.000-05:00

Okay, so there I was, trying to get my life back in order, trying to focus on the things and people who really deserve my undivided attention, when a little squirrel jumped out in front of my school bus, couldn't make up his mind whether to run left or right, and ended up being vulture food.

"Poor little thing," I first thought, and then, "I wish I could stop, bag and tag it, and put it in the fridge for lunch."

(Not really. Just kidding. Sort of.)

So that got me thinking about the universe and our place in it. Is time real? Is gravity an illusion? Do squirrels believe in heaven? (I have my deepest thoughts while driving a school bus through the "Scary Woods" or washing dishes in the "Scary Kitchen.")

Then I started thinking about Gliese 581g, that new planet scientists think they've discovered. It's 20 light years away, it possibly has water, and if it has water, and a temperate climate (which they say it probably has), then there could be life. And if there is life, then there are probably alien squirrels running around trying to make up their minds whether to run right or left when confronted with alien school buses...

And all that got me thinking about how I should really pay more attention to getting these kids to school instead of daydreaming about Mr. and Mrs. Sshderts, out there on some distant planet, who just waved goodbye to their little Blessaty, who is 5 years old, riding to school by herself for the very first time, and they put her on the school bus because they needed a little bit of "together time" before they headed off to THEIR jobs!

It's amazing MY riders ever get to school at all.

Hmmmm. I forgot what my point was. Oh well, it'll come to me later.

It's school bus time again

2010-08-15T17:04:00.000-05:00

Hey! Are you listening to me? School is about to begin. That means school buses are going to be out on the road. Those big, yellow school buses carry our future leaders who will hopefully clean up the mess you and I have made of this planet. So be careful out there. We can’t afford to lose a one of them due to a senseless accident!

Besides, I’m driving one of those yellow school buses and having an accident would really ruin my day.

Yes, I’m proud to say that I’m a school bus driver. Not only that, but one of my riders gave me a certificate that says I’m the greatest bus driver in the world. She also gave me a tomato plant. The certificate is hanging up in my office. I ate the tomatoes.

Being an Award-Winning School Bus Driver is not all glamour and paparazzi. Yes, there are perks that come with the job (like fresh vegetables, and sometimes cookies), but with the perks comes a certain amount of responsibility.

Bus drivers have to be friendly and ready to wipe up liquid motion sickness at a moment’s notice. Bus drivers have to be welcoming, but ready to give students the “evil eye” when they’re not following the rules. Bus drivers have to understand a little bit of child psychology, be able to work under pressure, and have the ability to tune out distractions while keeping their eyes and ears open for Little Johnny who loves to use his markers to color on things – especially other riders.

And bus drivers have to watch out for other drivers who aren’t paying attention to the flashing lights that scream, “Stop, you idiot! Don’t you understand the future governor of Texas is on this bus? Holy Cow and take some Smart Pills!”

Driving a school bus is not for everybody. You have to be practically superhuman but without the cape and spandex. Not only that, the job doesn’t have the greatest of reputations. The buses rarely have air conditioning, they’re slow, the engines are loud, the brakes squeal, the children sometimes get noisy and obnoxious, and dealing with a bunch of hot, sweaty kids on a hot, sweaty day is worse than having a root canal without medication.

Other than that, it’s not too bad – especially if you have a “Little Emma” onboard.

“Mr. Bus Driver, why are you whistling? Whistling isn’t allowed on the bus,” said Little Emma.

“Who says whistling isn’t allowed on the bus?” I said.

“I did,” said Little Emma.

“You did? So, you mean when I’m happy, I can’t whistle?”

“Well, I guess I can make an exception,” she said, “but just this once.”

There are a lot of Little Emmas on every bus. There are also a lot of Jefferys, Allens, Beckys, Dylans and Cynthias. They all have plans for the future. They all want to make something of themselves. They all want to live long, productive lives and make a difference in the world around them.

Not a one of them wants to die in a bus accident due to our lack of paying attention or being careful.

So do us both a favor. If you see me coming down the road in a big yellow school bus, be extra cautious because you know Emma’s onboard and she wants to get home to see her parents and to play with her dog.

If you’re running late and you have the feeling I’m about to turn on my flashing lights and stop, don’t careen around me like a NASCAR driver. That’s just one more thing I have to worry about.

And if you see my red lights flashing and my “Stop” sign extended so you can read it, then READ IT! Stop means stop! Little Emma’s getting off my bus and if you endanger her in any way, I ain’t gonna be happy.

You have been warned!

A bus can't stop on a time, but it can on a Lexus

2010-05-20T17:40:00.000-05:00

Okay, so it was starting to rain, but that didn't cause the problem.

Yes, the light was Green as I headed into the intersection.

No, nobody was injured, but it was a bit of a scary ride.

Holy Cow, we ALL had a day today!

The next time you're ever in an accident with another car, I recommend that you be driving a school bus at the time. A honking big yellow school bus. And this is my story:

I was fully loaded with all my little (and big) riders, heading north back to the school, when I entered an intersection on a Green Light. At the same time, a cute little four-door Lexus was in the oncoming turning lane, heading south, and made the left-hand turn right in front of my bus.

Needless to say, the bus was scratched and dented just a little, but the Lexus was SMASHED!

All the kids were fine, the other driver was fine, and all is well with the world.

Except, I later learned that the man who was driving the Lexus, his WIFE'S Lexus, was on his way to purchase new tires for the car.

I guess he can cross THAT off of his list of things to do for awhile.

Off on a field trip!

2010-02-27T11:16:00.000-06:00

It's not often that I get to take a group on a "field trip," but today is the day!

I'm in Bus No. 16, it barely has more than 1,000 miles on it, and you can definitely still smell the newness, which is a much better smell than the boy's bus after a Friday-night football game.

Anyways, I have a busload of girls (color guard at a competition), and everything smells fresh and new and perfumey. But let me tell you, girls can talk -- and I ain't talking all pretty and sweet stuff.

It's one thing to be in a busload of guys who are talking about guy stuff, but it's a completely different matter to be the only guy in a busload of girls, who have no problem talking girl stuff. And I mean everything from their hair, periods, tampons, what guy has the nicest butt, and a whole lot of other stuff I'd soon as not talk about.

We pulled up alongside a male soccer team, standing on a curb, holding up signs for a car-wash fundraiser. The guys were all waving at the girls. And do you know what those girls had to say? "None of them are cute."

If I had been in on a guy bus, and we'd stopped by a group of girls promoting a fundraiser, I guarantee those guys would have found at least one girl to go gaga over, and probably more. I think these girls are a bit too picky.

Anyways, that's what I'm up to today. Sitting, waiting, and hoping those ladies are too tired to talk non-stop on the way home.

I'll let you know how it all comes out!

A Bus Driver's Nightmare

2010-02-02T03:14:00.002-06:00

I wouldn't trade my bus riders for any riders in the world. For the most part they make my ride enjoyable. I have NEVER (knock on wood) had any major problems, I can't remember the last time I had to "kick" someone off the bus, and if I could get my little ones to keep their papers in their backpacks until they got home (they usually drop them on the floor, leaving me to sweep them up), if I could do that, I'd almost feel guilty about having the best route in the world!

But just the other day, maybe due to a change in weather or because it was Friday, my riders where so hyper, I swear when I looked in my rearview mirror, THIS is what I saw:

Boy, I'm so glad I had my camera with me!! ;-)

Decisions, decisions, decisions

2010-01-28T20:17:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, five minutes into my morning route, with no kids onboard, I had to make a decision that I thankfully don't have to make every day.

So there I was, minding my own business, when a skunk (and believe me, there was no doubt that it was a skunk), when a skunk jumped into my lane and dared me to run over it. In the blink of an eye, I saw the skunk, looked in my side mirror to see if there were any cars in the next lane (which there was, but he was well behind me), looked back at the skunk's nasty little butt (I was that close), and was just swerving into the next lane when the little monster jumped back into the bushes.

I think it was playing chicken.

If it had been a little rabbit or a squirrel, there wouldn't be any question -- you squash the little bugger flat! But it was a SKUNK! And when you hit a skunk, you smell it until the day you die.

So I swerved. And if there had been a car there, I think I would have made the same decision. Remember, if you hit a skunk, You Smell It Until The Day You Die!

What would YOU have done?

Results of the "Grande Experiment"

2010-01-18T18:26:00.001-06:00

I did it. For one week I welcomed everybody on the bus with a "Good Morning." Most replied back with their own good mornings, some didn't, and here's what I learned from the whole experience:

I hate being happy in the morning!

Okay, hate is such a strong word. How about "I ain't in a talking mood until I've had my orange juice, and all that 'good' and 'morning' stuff just reminds me that if some old dude were to constantly say 'good morning' to ME every morning, I might get used to it, but I'd much prefer to be left alone, in my own little world, and not come out until I have PROOF that the morning is, indeed, a good one!"

But...there were some funny moments during the week. Like the one girl who turned around after I'd said "good morning," thinking she was in trouble.

And the one boy who refused to say "good morning" back to me, and probably wouldn't if I paid him, but I kept saying it each day, just a little bit louder.

And then there's the boy who reads this blog and was actually surprised that I'd do what I wrote about. He said "good morning" back to me every day, and he'd better, because I'll put you in an assigned seat if you don't! ;-)

Oh well, don't know if I'll continue this for another week. I think I'll just wait and see how many kids say "hello" to me first, and then we'll go from there.

Have a great week!

Drivin' da bus with Bob Dylan

2010-01-16T04:27:00.003-06:00

Drivin' dat bus. Morning and night. Listen to da engine. Listen out of sight. Kids in the front seat. Kids in the back. Drivin' dat bus. No goin' back!

Happiness is...

2010-01-15T19:10:00.002-06:00

...an empty school bus, after the last route before a three-day weekend, with a Friday paycheck burning a hole in your pocket!

Update on Bus No. 6

2010-01-12T20:48:00.003-06:00

Well, it looks like Bus No. 6 is going to need a new radiator. And I guess that explains why there wasn't any heat the other day. And I guess that's why my toes almost froze off. And I guess that's why I'm in Bus No. 24 for now!

But...Bus No. 24 has heat. And lots of it!

Okay, speed-wise No. 24 is a little lacking. It can go from 0-45mph in 5.8 miles. BUT, who cares as long as your feet are warm.

I look at the whole thing like this -- if they keep replacing parts on Bus No. 6, sooner or later, I'll practically have a brand new bus.

Oh well, drive safe -- and keep warm!

It was a might bit chilly this morning!

2010-01-08T18:09:00.005-06:00

Boy, was it a cold day to be driving a school bus! 15 degrees I do believe -- and that was INSIDE the bus! Good thing I had my heater on -- full blast -- to make me THINK I was warm. Without it, I believe my toes would have turned black and --

Hold it. Let me back this story up for a moment...

I'm usually not a complainer about cold weather. I'd rather put on a jacket than a swimsuit any day! For the past five years I've ridden my motorcycle throughout the winter months. I know how to put on layers, bundle up, and think happy thoughts to keep my extremities from breaking off. But when your bus heater is blowing full steam ahead, and the only thing coming out of those little vents is Arctic air -- well, my friend, it gets butt cold, let me tell ya!

After an hour of driving, I was still seeing smoke (my breath) coming out of my mouth, my fingers were afire with cold, icy pain (even through thick riding gloves), and my toes? They were just blocks of ice. I got off the bus, hobbled to the building, and didn't get up for about an hour. Okay, I did get up -- to get two tall cups of coffee!

But, I will say this -- that heater was blowing for all it was worth. Unfortunately, it wasn't worth spit!

Jamie Miles -- chaperone extraordinaire!

2010-01-07T21:55:00.005-06:00

Jamie Miles is a columnist, humorist and freelance writer who recently went with her third-grade daughter to see "A Christmas Carol" -- and she went in a school bus!

"The girls and I sat next to an Emergency Exit window. There was a little red handle to pull which I inferred would cause something to happen. No instructions, no little packet tucked under the seat. Surely someone would pop on the bus and perform precise hand motions instructing us how to operate the door.

No one showed. The driver pulled the door shut and off we went."

Read the story at her website: JamieMiles.com It's a hilarious take on what it's like being a parent riding the bus for the first time in a long time!

It Was a Great Day!

2010-01-04T19:18:00.001-06:00

Okay, so I got a new toy for Christmas and I was just DYING to get to school this morning to try it out! After mucho practice, and mucho takes, here's the one I like the most!

A new year, a new plan!

2009-12-30T07:28:00.008-06:00

Time to start getting in gear, time to start moving my bones, time to wake up a little bit early before Monday morning comes and I have to, but I can't, because I spent all Christmas break being a lazy goose, and now it's time to pay the price.

Four more days and a wakeup call, and it's back to driving Bus No. 6!

But this year, this 2010, I'm going to try some new things to make bus time more enjoyable for my riders. And the No. 1 thing on my list is to say "Good Morning" to everyone who gets on my bus. They may be grumpy, they may still be asleep, they may have just gotten fussed at by their parents for waking up late and not having time to brush their teeth before going to school -- but I'M going to say "Good Morning" anyways. It may not change the world, but then again, it might.

I'm usually a stickler for my riders doing "the right thing" (staying out of the aisle, facing forward, etc.) But I've been thinking lately, are those things really worth fussing about? Probably not. So this year, I'm only going to fuss at those riders who really "deserve" it. As long as they're not killing each other, thowing people out the window, throwing objects inside in the bus, getting up and walking around, or singing Jingle Bells over and over again until my brain can't take it anymore, then I'm going to leave them alone. Or at least I'll give it a try.

Those are just two of the ideas I have for this next year. I'd tell ya more, but a couple of my riders read this blog and I would hate to give away all my secrets! ;-)

Anyways, what are YOU going to do different during 2010?

Now, why didn't I think of that?

2009-12-22T05:00:00.001-06:00

I never thought about giving my riders gifts for Christmas. I whole-heartedly say they're the bus riders in the world, and I should have thought about "Tis the Season" and "Ho, Ho, Ho," and "All I Want For Christmas is something small and eatable from the bus driver, but I didn't get anything, and now I'm in a rotten mood!" Yep, I should have thought about it!

Heather didn't forget about Christmas giving. You can read her story "Sentimental," just like I did, at her blog "Ravings of a Mad Bus Driver." And after I read it, I thought, "Holy Cow! Why didn't I ever think about that?"

Next year guys, I will!

Merry Christmas!

My new Ebook -- "Never Trust a Goat"

2009-12-21T06:54:00.004-06:00

Just in case you happen to get a Kindle or Sony Reader this Christmas and need something to put on it, why don't you try my new Ebook "Never Trust a Goat." It's 23 humorous essays from my weekly column, and it only costs $1.50 to download. There's even a bus driving story in it.

All proceeds go to helping me build a better goat pen!

My Favorite Place

2009-12-19T19:25:00.002-06:00

I get to this house at 6:55 every morning, just as the sun is peaking up over the horizon. It's my favorite spot on my route.

This isn't the biggest house on my route, it's not the fanciest, but the glow of the shaded lamps inside, coupled with the breaking dawn, make it more inviting than any other. It's almost like they have a roaring fire inside, and a cup of coffee on the table just waiting for someone to drop in for a visit.

No Walking Allowed

2009-12-18T17:44:00.002-06:00

I got fussed at the other day for walking!

Okay, I'll admit, I'm exaggerating a bit. What actually happened was a nice gentleman offered me a ride from the bus lot back to the building, but I said I preferred walking. I mean, it's not that far, and after spending an hour cramped up in the "cockpit," I prefer giving my legs a stretch.

Anyways, the gentleman asked if I needed a ride, I graciously refused -- and then HE said, "Whatever. "

Whatever? Do you know what "whatever" means? It means, "Okay, I'll let you walk if you really want to, but I have a warm car, it's cold outside, and I think you're crazy!"

Well, I don't mind being a little crazy. My legs don't mind me being a little crazy. My heart, my lungs, my cholesterol level, my waistline and my demeanor don't mind me being a little crazy. So, crazy I'll be. But thanks for asking!

Bus 6 to 22, back to 6, and then 24, and hopefully, back to 6!

2009-12-07T17:59:00.006-06:00

Okay, so Bus No. 6 was down and out and I had to drive Bus 22 for awhile. No problem, but it had this weird clanging noise coming from the engine compartment. Didn't bother ME, but everybody was asking, "What's wrong with No. 22?" and Eduardo the Transportation Guy told them, "Farr's driving it."

Ha, ha, ha and funny, funny, now let's move on.

Got Bus No. 6 back yesterday and found out No. 22's water something or other went out (pump? I don't know), but luckily I was no longer driving it. (It wasn't my fault, honest!)

Well, it was a cold morning this morning, I got to Bus No. 6 with just minutes to spare -- and it wouldn't start. So, I had to take the infamous, Bus No. 24.

It's called Bus No. 24 because that's its top speed -- 24. And since I had NO idea how to turn on the heater, that was the temperature inside for the whole one-hour route -- 24!

Please, can someone make Christmas break come a little quicker?

You learn something new, each and every day!

2009-12-04T21:23:00.003-06:00

Well, I got Bus No. 6 back this week (it's been in the shop), and was happy to bid adieu to Bus No. 22. But, you learn something new each and every day, and this week has been no exception.

When your bus seat is made out of vinyl/plastic, it gets mighty cold in the winter. Sitting on it is like sitting on a bag of ice. In fact, ICE would get cold if it had to sit on a vinyl/plastic bus seat. So, what do you do? Do you sit on it gingerly, one cheek at a time, something akin to sticking your toe into the water just to test it out? Or do you suck it up, brace for impact, and plop your butt in the seat all at once, like diving into the deep end, head first?

For me, I brace for impact and suck it up! The pain's over in a few seconds, and then you're on your way and have completely forgotten about it -- until the next morning!

So, what do YOU do? Test the waters one cheek at a time? Or jump in, butt first?

Break's over!

2009-11-30T20:06:00.003-06:00

Getting your mind back in "bus driver mode" after a break, even a short one, can sometimes be a lengthy process. You stumble to the bus, crank her up, watch the needles, check the lights, try to determine if any wild animal spent the night in the back seat and maybe even left a litter, and then head out. But there IS a quicker way:

What you need is a slap in the face, a jolt of lighting, something that will wake you up to the very core and make you appreciate your family, your pet goats, and maybe even your crazy uncle who once threw you in a river with your good coat on just to see if you could float.

Yes, I'm talking about a cold, plastic driver's seat.

A cold, plastic driver's seat is a shocker, a waker-upper, a reminder that there is good in this world, but this is not it. And no amount of layers on your backside can stop the influence it has on your demeanor.

Bus No. 6 has a warm, leather, fabric-covered seat, that doesn't stand up and kick you in your butt. But Bus No. 6 is in the shop at the moment. I pray for it's speedy return -- and so does my posterior!

Thanksgiving Break!

2009-11-25T08:18:00.002-06:00

Oh, baby! No early-morning wakeup call; no scurrying around trying to get to the bus on time; no sad morning faces of students who would just as soon stay in bed -- no siree! It's Thanksgiving Break!

And what did I do with my lazy Wednesday no-bus-route-today morning?

I woke up early, got myself a haircut, I'm now fixing a big pot of fresh coffee, when everybody wakes up I'm thinking about frying some eggs, and then I'm out in the yard to dig up some sweet potatoes, check on the goats to make sure they're where they're supposed to be, and I might even do some yardwork -- but I only said "might."

I don't know. I think I could get used to this!

FREE Newsletter!

2009-11-23T19:59:00.003-06:00

I really enjoy posting bus-related stories on busno6.com, but that's not the only thing I'm up to in all my abundant amount of "spare time!" I write a weekly column that appears in a daily newspaper and a couple of websites, I cruise around on Facebook and do the Twitter-Bug every so often, I record a Podcast every week called The Bathrobe Monologues, and when I feel adventurous, I shoot a YouTube video thus insuring that everybody knows I'm a total idiot with a video camera!

Whew! And if that wasn't enough, I put out a weekly Stinky Creek Newsletter every Sunday just to keep people informed with all the crazy stuff I do.

Hey! Would you like to subscribe? All you have to do is go to my stinkycreektexas.com website and sign up for my FREE Newsletter!

Not only does The "Stinky Creek Newsletter" feature my weekly column, but it is full of useless tidbits, knickknacks and thingamabobs that have no visible purpose, but survive anyway because they're meant to. They won't really help you win the lottery or become a millionaire, but they may help you put off mowing the yard for an hour or two.

Yes, the Newsletter is Free -- free of advertisements, free of viruses, free of links that take you to dubious websites, and free from ever having your email address sold to nefarious organizations whose sole purpose is to take over the entire planet.

So sign up today! Procrastination in small chunks is a good thing!

It's a dog's life

2009-11-18T18:09:00.003-06:00

I feel sorry for drivers who have to drive a school bus in the city. You miss the early-morning fog in the lowlands, you rarely, if ever, see deer crossing the road, you never learn how to tell the difference between a cow pasture and a goat pasture just by the smell, but most of all, you miss the dogs.

Ok, let me back up a bit. You're SUPPOSED to miss the dogs. Hitting one would definitely ruin your day. What I mean is, you miss seeing the dogs as they wait for "their kid" to get off the bus.

Hollywood portrays it quite well. Student has bad day; student rides bus home; Rover is waiting on the driveway; and everybody lives happily ever after. I know it sounds a bit unrealistic, but let me tell you, the other day I counted eight dogs sitting in front of eight different houses waiting for their kids to get home. Eight! And one group of little brothers and sisters had a cat waiting on the porch, but I doubt it cared about the kids -- it was just waiting for someone to open the front door so it could get back in the house.

Eight dogs! And that's not to mention the two dogs that were just sitting in their yards, watching the bus drive by, and probably thinking, "Ah, c'mon! Can't you just leave one of those kids here every now and then? I promise I'll play nice." Those dogs always look kind of sad to me. But if I don't have to stop, I don't.

Yes, I'm sure some of you city drivers pity me out here in the country, having to deal with slow-moving tractors, one-lane roads, fallen trees, skunks, feral hogs, and cows that haven't learned it ain't polite to crap on the road -- but don't. Watching a dog get all giddy because it's kid is home is well worth the price of all those other things.

How pathetic!

2009-11-11T17:57:00.005-06:00

There I was, travelling down a two-lane highway, early in the morning, heavy fog everywhere -- and my bus conks out on me! But that's not the pathetic part.

So, I pulled the bus over onto the grass (no shoulder on THIS highway, no sirree!) tried to restart it (that was pretty useless), and I was calling Eduardo the bus guy for help, when a police officer pulled up behind me! But that's not the pathetic part.

Mr. Police Officer was very nice, he was just checking to make sure everything was okay, and then he was on his way. It took Eduardo 15 minutes to bring a new bus, and all that time 18-wheelers were whizzing past (no, they weren't peeing), and I just KNEW one of them was going to "take me out" (which is American for "bust me up good.") But that's not the pathetic part, either.

As I was sitting in the bus waiting for Eduardo, I realized that I needed to put out my DOT Emergency Triangles to warn on-coming traffic that I was disabled (not me,
silly -- the bus) and since I've never had to put triangles out before, that meant I was about to do something NEW and out of the NORMAL ROUTINE of EVERYDAY BUS DRIVING!

OH, WHAT A LUCKY DAY!

So I jumped out of my seat, put those suckers together lickety-split (which means "muy pronto"), and set them out on the road. AND THIS IS THE PATHETIC PART: I felt like I had just had Christmas, opened up all my presents, and got exactly what I wanted!

Pretty pathetic, isn't it? I think I need to get out more!

The Man Who Stares at Goats

2009-11-07T21:18:00.003-06:00

Sometimes some of my greatest ideas come while driving the bus. I don't know how great this idea really is, but here ya' go -- my version of "The Men Who Stare at Goats." Hope you like it!

What a putz!

2009-11-05T18:16:00.003-06:00

Oh, I hate myself!

There I was, in front of her house, her door standing wide open to let me know she was riding -- but she was nowhere to be seen. So, I honked my horn, and when I figured that I'd waited long enough, I started to drive away.

Good drivers have the ability to drive away and not look back. It's sort of like when a cute little bunny rabbit jumps out from the bushes right in front of the bus, and you don't even think twice about swerving to miss it. You block out the riders' screams yelling at you not to hit the little bugger, and you keep driving on knowing full well the bunny will jump out of the way -- or not!

But when I heard the other riders yelling that she was coming out the door, I did the only thing I could do -- I stopped. And then I backed up. And then I opened the door to let her in. I think I even said, "Good morning."

Oh, I hate myself.

And I stop for rabbits, too.

Here's the plan...

2009-11-01T19:03:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow, just for giggles, let's be nice to everyone -- no matter what!

When the riders get on the bus, say, "Good Morning," nice and loud, like you mean it. When they get off at school, yell out, "Have a great day at school!" In the afternoon, greet everyone at the door with a big smile, and when they're all aboard, yell out, "Let's Go Home!" (Be ready for thunderous applause!)

As the students step off the bus, say, "See ya tomorrow!" and maybe even wave at them as they walk away, because you know they're going to turn around to see if you've gone crazy. Wave nice and big, with a smile, again like you mean it.

Don't know if any of this will help, but I know it couldn't hurt!

Drive safe, and have a great route!

Life lessons

2009-10-25T11:39:00.004-05:00

It takes a special kind of person to drive a school bus. Not just any Joe or Jane can do it, and most of us wouldn’t even try.

But those who feel the calling – those who dare to get behind the big wheel and travel the back roads with a bus load of young people who believe a school bus is just recess on wheels – well, those people end up learning a lot of life lessons, and are reminded of them each and every day.

1. The first thing a school bus driver learns is that to be early is to be on time, and to be on time is to be late – but that only applies for cranking up the school bus. On the route, everything changes: to be early is to be yelled at because the kids aren’t ready, and to be late is okay, but not too late, because then the riders start to freak out and wonder if they’ve missed the bus.

Time is both a friend and an enemy. You can’t get more, but you’ll never have less than what’s given to you. It’s best to use it wisely.

2. The next thing a school bus driver learns is not to judge a person by the house they come out of. Some kids live in big houses with landscaped yards and nicely-trimmed hedges. Some kids live in small houses with yards that haven’t been mowed in months, with washing machines and toilets peaking out from behind the weeds.

Nice “things” don’t guarantee nice people. Sometimes the most polite and helpful riders come from the “wrong side of the tracks.”

3. A school bus driver learns that sometimes passing the buck is not an option. Yes, their main job is to keep their eyes on the road, making sure their riders get to where they’re going safely, but it's also their job to keep an eye on Little Johnny who looks like he wants to take out his Elmer’s Glue and squeeze a glob of it into Little Susie’s hair before he gets to his stop.

“It’s not my job” is a phrase spoken by people who don’t care. “Sit down, turn around, and put that stuff back in your backpack before I turn this bus around and take you back to your momma” is a phrase that has “love” glued all over it.

4. A school bus driver can learn a lot from squirrels. Most squirrels have one goal – to dart across the road in front of a school bus without getting flattened like a pancake. But some of those little buggers stop in the middle of the road and get all wishy-washy about which way to run. It’s funny to watch from the driver’s seat, but I’m sure those little squirrels are scared out of their ever-loving minds.

Having a goal, or direction, is the key to success. Being all “willy-nilly” is the surest way of getting squashed.

5. A school bus driver learns that it’s best not to drink a lot of coffee before heading off on a route. Some of those roads are long and bumpy, and when the bladder calls, it does not want to be denied. But a driver can’t just stop the bus and “take care of business” with kids on board, and not very many families will open up their homes to let a crazy bus driver use “the facilities.”

It’s best to “take care of business” before the business takes care of you.

6. And finally, one of the most important things a bus driver learns is patience. Patience for kids who remember they left their backpack in the house and they’ll “be right back.” Patience for getting behind a tractor that can only go 10 mph. Patience for kids who fall asleep and miss their stop. Patience for Little Emily who is singing “Jingle Bells” over and over again, and she only knows the first verse.

If you search for the word “patience” in the dictionary, it will refer you to “school bus driver.”

I’ve been driving a school bus for almost 20 years. Some days are good. Some days not so much. But every day is a learning experience. As a matter of fact, just the other day I learned a cow can be vengeful, sarcastic and down-right rude when it has to get up from its dry, comfortable resting place on the road – just because a school bus comes along.

If I see you in Wal-Mart, I’ll tell you all about it.

Hey cows -- Mooooooove it!

2009-10-16T08:05:00.000-05:00

It used to be when I came to the cow pasture on my route, the cows would mosey on along, get out of the road, head to their hay, or go wherever cows go and do whatever cows do.

But something's changed.

The last few mornings, after I've crossed the first set of cattle guards, I find the cows in the middle of the road, just plopped down as if the road was theirs, and they give me these nasty looks as if they're saying, "What? You expect me to move now that I've gotten all comfortable? Go around!"

I've actually had to honk at them to get them moving, and they get up, but I know what they're thinking. They're thinking, "Listen, bud, they're more of us than you, and we could take you, but you're yellow and that's worse than being a cow!"

I swear I saw a cow roll its eyes at me and look at me in disgust.

And their revenge? They leave great plopping "deposits" all over the road, and I have to drive through them, and those "deposits" have a way of compounding with interest, until I'm more interested in putting a side of beef on the hood to take home to the freezer instead of being a nice little bus driver and honking the horn until they move.

But, I guess the riders would blab about how, "He just mowed one down and tied it on the hood, and that's why we're all late for school. Honest. We wouldn't lie about something like THAT!"

Oh well, nobody said life would be fair!

Lost in Solitaire

2009-10-13T09:01:00.000-05:00

The other day, while I was waiting for my afternoon kids to board for their afternoon trip back home, I started thinking about how much time I actually waste on the computer, playing silly computer games like Hearts and Solitaire. But I don't just play them just to pass the time, no sir! When I play, I mean business, and I make up little stories about pit bosses and bouncers and hookers named Trixie to make the game interesting. This audio-podcast explains it all!

The Bathrobe Monologues

Happiness is...

2009-10-10T20:42:00.002-05:00

Happiness is an empty bus.

Happiness is an empty bus after the last route of the day.

Happiness is an empty bus after the last route of the day with windows closed that I didn't have to close.

Happiness is an empty bus after the last route of the day with windows closed on a Friday with paycheck in hand.

Happiness is an empty bus after the last route of the day with windows closed on a Friday with paycheck in hand on the last day of school before summer vacation.

Happiness is an empty bus after the last route of the day with windows closed on a Friday with paycheck in hand on the last day of school before summer vacation and your plans are to do absolutely nothing for two months except sit by a stream and fish for rainbow trout.

Don't worry, Be Happy!

You've Got To Have a Plan

2009-10-03T07:56:00.000-05:00

Saturday is a day for work, but if you don’t have a plan, you might as well stay on the couch!

The Bathrobe Monologues

Being One With The Bus

2009-09-30T19:37:00.003-05:00

Most of the time, I like to get out to the bus early, crank it up, and just sit there and think. It would be better if the bus wasn't so loud (speak up, I'm losing my hearing), but still, I can't think of a better way to spend five to 10 minutes in the morning before heading out to pick up a bus load of little "darlings."

You see, I hate being rushed in the morning. Sometimes I get on the bus just about the time I should be leaving and I feel cranky the rest of the day. But if I get there early, I can sit there, contemplate the meaning of our existence (or at least mine), and figure out all those things that I should have figured out yesterday, but I was in too much of a hurry to do so.

So, I sits there and I thinks. I call it "Being One With The Bus!" The Bus is all around us, it flows through us, it does our bidding, and it binds the whole universe together. But, beware the Dark Side of the Bus. Through the Dark Side is wanton destruction and pickle juice all over the floor.

So, my trusted followers, you must learn the Ways of the Bus if you are to be one with the universe -- and being one with The Bus is the only way to true happiness.

Live long and prosper, and may The Bus be with you!

She had a pickle!

2009-09-27T09:44:00.002-05:00

I could not believe what I was seeing. Sitting in Seat No. 4, one of my little darling first-grade riders had a pickle in her hand. A big, juicy, dripping pickle juice all over the seat Dill Pickle!

The juice was all over her hands, all over her face, all in the seat, and somehow it got all over the seat in front of her. And then I saw the pickle seeds swimming in pickle juice!

This little darling has lunch at about 10:45 a.m., she doesn't get to the bus until 3:15 p.m. -- and that means she had been carrying around that Dill Pickle (and we're talking it was one of those MONSTER ones!), she had been carrying it around in her backpack for more than FOUR HOURS! To be eaten and dripped all over MY BUS!

I was very professional about the whole thing. Before I opened my mouth to say what was on my mind, I turned off the engine, which, in turn, turns off the video camera.

MORAL: If you can keep your cool while a little kid is dripping pickle juice all over your bus, you can handle anything!

Get a Haircut; Save the World

2009-09-23T18:31:00.002-05:00

I was driving my regular route the other day, windows down and my hair (what's left of it) blowing in the wind, when I had a thought -- if more people got haircuts more often, our economy would probably take a turn for the better, and we'd all look a lot spiffier!

When I got home, I recorded the following podcast:

The Bathrobe Monologues

A Bus Driver's Prayer

2009-09-16T19:19:00.006-05:00

Dear God in Heaven,

Thank you for the rain. I supposed we needed it, but it would have been nice if it had quit just as I was parking the bus. I had to walk all the way back to the building, without an umbrella, and had to change my clothes when I got there.

Thank you for giving me the idea to stash a change of clothes in the building just in case of emergencies, like getting sopping wet in the rain. Unfortunately, my "stash" clothes are several years old, and they were bought at a time when I was a whole lot skinnier. (Must remember to update stash).

Thank you for giving me great kids on the bus -- even Little Johnny in the back. I'm not sure why you put him on my bus, and I would certainly be grateful if you saw fit for him to move away (like to Alaska, or Nova Scotia), but I will survive! And I will be victorious!

Thank you for Snow Days! I know it's a bit early, but just for fun, couldn't you surprise us with one -- say, like tomorrow?

Oh well, I understand you can't always get what you ask for.

Amen anyways!

How about a little Drama?

2009-09-06T07:02:00.003-05:00

I was driving the band bus Friday night, coming home from a football game, when I did something so stupid it will probably give me nightmares for the rest of the year. I was almost a statistic, and CNN would have had a field day!

There is a point in front of an intersection where, if the light turns yellow, you know it's time to put on the brakes. And then there's a point in front of an intersection where, if the light turns yellow, you keep going because there's no way on this planet you're going to be able to stop the bus -- and you make it through the intersection long before the light turns red. But somewhere inbetween those two points is a ZONE OF INDECISION where you're not sure if you can make it or not. Well, I met that zone on Friday and I made the wrong decision.

There was a pickup in the left lane, just a car's length ahead of me, and I could see he was going to go through the yellow light. For the split second I was in The Zone, I made the decision to follow his lead -- and then he slammed on his brakes. Unfortunately for me, buses can't stop on a dime.

I was going too fast to stop before the intersection -- and I went right through it. The light was clearly red, and the only thing that saved my butt was that no cars were on the cross street.

Moral of The Story -- When you come upon a light that's been green for awhile, err on the side of caution. Slow down, keep foot on brakes, and don't let other vehicles influence your decisions.

(Wow! This is my first time to write something "serious." I hope it's the last time!)

No More Stuff!

2009-09-04T07:57:00.000-05:00

We Americans have way too much stuff, and I know exactly what I'm going to do with mine!

It's A Wrap!

2009-09-01T19:35:00.003-05:00

This has absolutely nothing to do with driving a school bus, but I hope you like it anyways!

Something's just not right!

2009-08-30T19:24:00.002-05:00

I had to have a talk with Eduardo the Bus Guy the other day about the students on my bus. And we both agreed something's just not right. It's wrong. It's unnatural. And sometimes it's just plain spooky.

My riders give me no trouble at all. Absolutely NO TROUBLE. Okay, yes, sometimes I have to tell little Emily not to sing so loud; okay, yes, I have to tell my two Ewok brothers to put their pencils in their backpacks. Okay, yes, when it comes to trash, the younger riders don't know the difference between the floor and the trashcan. But other than that, nada trouble.

I told three riders (brothers and a sister) that I'm not going to drive right up to their house like I used to. They'd have to walk about 75 yards to their driveway, but it saves me from having to back up back to the road -- they said, "No problem."

I told another rider he had to drink his Coke before he got on the bus. He said, "No problem," and downed it.

I told all my riders they would have assigned seats this year (even though they weren't in trouble) and there's been absolutely no problem...except for Little Emily's brother. He said, "I don't want to sit in seat No. 17." I said, "Okay, come up front in sit in seat No. 1." And he said, "No, 17's okay."

In other words, my riders are boring. No fights, no paper throwing, no cussing (that I can hear), no pulling down someone else's pants, and nobody's puked up their Cheerios yet.

Wait a minute. We've only been back to school a week. We still have 35 more weeks for something "exciting" to happen.

I'll keep you updated!

It's like falling off a log

2009-08-25T18:18:00.002-05:00

I thought I'd certainly forget my route after having a long summer break...forget my route, who to pick up, at what time, as well as when, where, why and how. But getting back into that school bus' driver's seat is a lot like riding a bike -- except the school bus is a little bit bigger and a lot more yellow-ish.

Yep! I cranked up my engine, put the transmission into gear, and that bus practically drove itself around the route. If I'd had a bit more nerve and less kids, I'd probably taken a nap.

Unfortunately, not only did the route come back to my mind, but so did the memories of sweaty kids, dusty roads, cow poop on the tires, June bugs squashed on the windshield, mad parents, happy parents, dogs in the road, vomit in the seats, kids with wet pants, kids pulling down their pants, my sweat-stained pants and shirt sticking to my body like duct tape -- and those are just the GOOD memories!

Oh well. Another year steps up to the plate. I just hope I can hit another home run!

My 'sweet ride' is a yellow school bus

2009-08-16T16:22:00.002-05:00

I’m proud to say that I’m a school bus driver. Not only that, but last year one of my riders gave me a certificate that says I’m the greatest bus driver in the world – which makes me an Award-Winning School Bus Driver. The certificate is hanging up in my office. Feel free to drop by and see it.

Being an Award-Winning School Bus Driver is not all glamour and paparazzi. Yes, there are perks that come with the job (I’m still searching for mine), but there’s also a certain amount of responsibility that comes with the reward. MORE

Got beer?

2009-08-10T05:25:00.002-05:00

Here's a sample of what I did over summer break. It's called "The Bathrobe Monologues." This is Episode No. 4: Beer.

Podcasting 101

2009-08-04T20:14:00.003-05:00

So, when I get back to school, and when all the teachers and students and cafeteria ladies (love those cafeteria ladies), when they ask me how I spent my summer this is what I'm going to tell them -- I learned how to Podcast.

And don't you sit there thinking that some ol' bus driver can't learn a new trick or two, or three, because I can, and you can, too, but I did indeed learn how to podcast.

I might be creating some episodes (that's what they're called, don'tcha know) about Bus No. 6, but for right now, I've started a show that's called "The Bathrobe Monologues." It's just me, sitting around in my bathrobe, expounding on subjects that I probably have no right to expound on, but I do it anyways.

"The Bathrobe Monologues" is located at http://thebathrobemonologues.podbean.com/ and I hope you enjoy them. There's not much there right now, but there will be.

So, adios for now, and safe driving!

Sumo Wrestler

2009-07-20T23:25:00.002-05:00

This is the kind of mischief a bus driver can get into when he has too much spare time during the summer. This is a little song I wrote called "Sumo Wrestler."

What? No more Sears Tower?

2009-07-16T22:51:00.005-05:00

I know that talking about the Sears Tower in Chicago has absolutely nothing to do with driving a bus, but Chicago is in America, Sears is an American company, my bus was built by an American company probably using Sears tools, so indirectly, it all makes sense (and if it actually makes sense to you, can you explain it to me later?)

The Sears Tower, one of the most iconic buildings in America, was recently renamed The Willis Tower. The London-based Willis Insurance Company bought the naming rights for the next 15 years, painted a new sign, and that's that. But I don't like it. Why couldn't they have renamed Oprah instead?

Willis is a money-grubbing insurance company. Sears invented Craftman tools. They probably used some Craftman tools to actually build the tower. That alone should have been enough for the tower to retain its name. But I guess in the end, money always prevails.

"And now ladies and gentlemen, if you look out the left side of the bus, you can see The Tower Formerly Known as Sears! Some people call it The Big Willy, but...Oh, look -- there's Oprah!"

The Sears Tower has 110 floors. Willis will only occupy three of those floors. The American law firm of Schiff Hardin already occupies nine. If possession is nine tenths of the law, why aren't we calling it the Schiff Hardin Tower? and why doesn't Schiff Hardin know about "nine tenths"?

Finally, I believe that if foreign companies can come to our country, buy our stuff, rename it to what they like, then we should be able to do the same. We could see the changing of the guard at Sears Palace. We could sing, "The Sears Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down..." We could even listen to Big Sears as it chimes the hour.

Okay, this is just one bus driver's opinion, but the next time I'm in Chicago, I'm not going to let some stinkin' tour guide suggest I go see some stinkin' Willis Tower. I'm going to the Sears Tower. And that's that!

I miss my bus

2009-07-05T12:47:00.003-05:00

I was just sitting here, not doing much, and just thought about my bus -- where it is, how it's been, whether or not the windows were closed when that last thunderstorm barreled through. I don't know -- I kind of miss my bus. Sad, isn't it?

The last time I saw Bus No. 6, Eduardo the Transportation Guy was hosing the engine down, cleaning off all the dirt and grime and dried-on cow poop. I get a lot of cow poop during the year.

I would think most bus drivers wouldn't give a second thought to their bus during summer vacation. Am I just weird, or what?

Anyways, I don't have anything philosophical to say, I was just wondering about my bus. But I suppose in a few weeks, when I'm back in "the beast" delivering Little Johnny and Little Emma to school and back, I WILL have something to say -- oh boy, will I have things to say.

Staying in shape over the summer

2009-06-22T14:27:00.002-05:00

Most people don't realize this, but to be a great school bus driver during the school year, you have to stay in shape during the summer. And that's exactly what I'm doing.

One of the hardest things about driving a school bus is staying seated for extended periods of time. That's why during summer breaks I stay on the couch as much as possible. I would hate for the new school year to begin and have my "sitter" be out of shape.

Next, whether you open the school bus door by pulling a lever or pushing a button, it's very important to keep those muscles well tuned. So, while I'm sitting on the couch, I use my door-opening arm to search for the TV remote control and change channels in between commercials. Professionals like me do whatever it takes to accomplish the mission.

School bus drivers have to be masters at multi-tasking. I practice my multi-tasking skills by balancing a drink on my lap while I'm sitting on the couch watching television, holding a plate of fried chicken in one hand and the remote in the other, while trying to scan the TV guide for what might be good to watch. In other words, to juggle, you have to practice.

Finally, a great bus driver is able to tune out all distractions in order to get the job done in a safe manner. That's why a take great pains in sitting on the couch, juggling food, remote and TV guide, while at the same time ignoring my wife who is screaming for me to get my "lazy butt off the couch and go mow the yard."

Yes, being a school bus driver is very demanding, but a demanding summer vacation workout can keep you in tip-top shape and ready for the new year!

Have a great summer!

2009-06-13T22:03:00.001-05:00

A School Bus Driver is a Super Hero who wears a cape and tights under his work clothes!

Mirror, Mirror

2009-06-11T23:15:00.002-05:00

Why am I up so early?

2009-06-10T05:17:00.003-05:00

This is sad. I'm well into my second week of Summer Vacation, it's a little after 5 in the morning, and I can't believe I'm awake and thinking I've got to be somewhere or go do something.

You would think that a school bus driver would soak up his Summer Vacation, taking every advantage to sleep until 9, or maybe even 10, because there's no route, no kids to pick up, no windows to shut, no trash to sweep up -- BUT NO! I haven't slept late YET, and I'm still thinking there's something I need to be doing.

Am I doomed to live the rest of my life always waking at 5, not being able to sleep a little later because I have yellow blood in my veins? Is it possible I'll one day be on my deathbed, screaming that If I die and miss my route, my boss will kill me? And if there are school buses in Heaven, do I really have to go? Oh, the weary life of a school bus driver.

And I STILL feel there's something I forgot to do. I wonder...

Oh yeah! I need to take out the trash before the Trash Man Cometh!

Adios, Amigos!

Goat: The New Four-Letter Word

2009-06-09T09:47:00.003-05:00

Goats are sneaky. They can’t be trusted. And that’s why I believe the word “goat” should replace all the offensive four-letter words known to man. Sailors would have a hard time adjusting, but they’d learn.

Replacing all objectionable words and phrases with just one may hint of Big Brother in George Orwell's masterpiece 1984 (a story where words are eliminated and replaced with fewer words), but nobody can deny a "one word for all" policy would indeed be better.

The word “goat” could be used in sentences such as, “What the goat was that?” “It’s time for me to get the goat out of Dodge,” and my personal favorite, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a goat.”

Other examples of goat phraseology would include:

Shut the goat up!
What the goat?
That’s one goatofa story!
You’re one goatofa guy!
God Goat you and the horse you rode in on!
That’s a goating lie!
Holy goat!
Eat goat and die!
Suck my goat!
Kiss my goat!
Bite my goat!
Go goat yourself!
Just shove it up your goat!
He’s full of goat!
That’s a bunch of billy goat!
Don’t give me any goat!
I don’t give a flying goat!
That’s goating stupid!
He’s a goat-hole!
Be a man and grow some goats!

And if George Carlin was still alive today, these would be the seven words you could never say on television:

Goat, goat, goat, goat, goat-sucker, mother-goater, and goats.

See how much simpler profanity would be if we only had to use one word? The goats might not be happy, but who gives a goating goat?

The End

2009-06-01T11:54:00.003-05:00

Summer break is finally here, and I'm sitting at my computer -- instead of on a bus -- thinking about what happened on Friday, the last day of school.

I was driving my route as usual -- picking up this kid, turning around, putting on my flashers, picking up that kid -- when I stopped at Little Emily's house. Now, Little Emily is a cute little kindergartner who loves to sing nonsensical tunes that drive me almost bonkers. Sometimes I let her sing until she gets it out of her system, and sometimes I cut her off at the first hum. But Little Emily did something different on Friday. When she got on the bus, she handed me an envelope.

I took a quick look at the envelope and on the front it said, "To Mr. Bus Driver." It was in her parent's handwriting. I put the envelope on my dash, knowing I'd have more time to read what was inside when I got back to school, and went on with my route. But I just knew what was inside that envelope -- it was going to be a letter from the parents saying , "If you ever yada yada yada again, I'll call your supervisor and yada yada yada!" (Of course the yadas would mean something unpleasant, but you get my meaning.)

Anyways, when I got back to the school and parked my bus, I opened up the envelope and found....

A Certificate. An Outstanding Bus Driver certificate. Not just Great. Not just Fantastic. But OUTSTANDING! Along with a gift card to Subway Sandwiches.

OUTSTANDING!

That afternoon, when Little Emily got on the bus, I gave her a big hug and thanked her for the Certificate and gift card.

"What are you talking about, Mr. Bus Driver?"

"You know, the envelope you gave me this morning."

"Oh, that," she said. "That was my parent's idea. I'm still mad at you 'cause you don't like my singing. They made me give it to you."

Little Emily took her seat, I took mine, and I drove everybody home for the last time this year. And what happened when I got to Little Emily's house? She said, "Have a good summer," and then she waved at me as I drove off.

OUTSTANDING!

A bus driver’s commencement address

2009-05-24T07:07:00.001-05:00

May is unofficially known as the “Commencement Address Month,” and right now, all over the planet, people with very important titles are sweating like pigs because they’ve been asked to give commencement addresses when they’d much rather volunteer to get a bad case of Swine Flu, or at least laryngitis.

Fortunately, I am just a school bus driver. School bus drivers never have to give commencement addresses. But if we did, it would probably go something like this:

Well kids, you finally made it. Twelve years ago you got on the bus and now it’s your turn to get off. But I know what you’re thinking. I can see it in your faces. You’re thinking, “Couldn’t the school afford a ‘real’ speaker? What does this bozo know about life and living?”

Not much, I suppose, but I do know this: If you really want to know about life, living, survival of the fittest, good and evil, for richer or poorer because fly rods cost an arm and a leg whether you’re in sickness or in health, then you need to head down to your local Bait Shop. Notice that I said YOU need to go. Every time I go, I just stand there looking at the plastic worms thinking, “Boy, those fish must be down-right ignoramuses to believe a blue plastic worm would be tasty.”

But, I’m not a fish, and neither are you – anymore. You’re soon-to-be graduates, with that Freshman year long behind you. And as you look back at who you were, and you look forward to who you want to be, don’t forget to look sideways because there’s always an 18-wheeler barreling down the road, and he ain’t going to stop, even if you have the green light.

Which reminds me of a famous song sung by that celebrated amphibious singer and banjo player, Kermit the Frog, who sang, “It’s Not Easy Being Green.” If you know the words, sing along with me, “It’s not easy being green. Being the color of...” Why aren’t you guys singing? Oh well, it was worth a try.

It may sound funny, but life is all about being “green.” It’s all about starting at the bottom, learning the ropes, getting or not getting that big promotion, schmoozing with the “big dogs,” being reassigned, wondering why they sent you to North Dakota instead of The Big Apple, holding your head up high anyways, then having your company go bankrupt because the CEO embezzled billions and gambled it all away at the race track. Leaving you where? Stuck in the frozen north without a job or a parka, not knowing what tomorrow will bring, but being thankful you have your education because nobody can take that away from you. Nobody.

You might not think this, but life doesn’t always work out like you planned – even for us school bus drivers. Yes, I know we always look cheerful and happy, ready to do what God put us on this planet to do, but sometimes we have doubts. Yes, I said doubts.

There are many times during the middle of an afternoon route I want to just stop the bus, get out, thumb a ride to Alaska, and live in the mountains like a hermit, but with satellite TV. But do I quit? No. Do I give up? Never. Do I leave those poor children stuck at school, crying for their mommies because they want to go home? Are you kidding? Those teachers would hunt me down, drag me back, and force me into that bus under threat of bodily harm.

But what has all this to do with you? Everything. You’re heading out into a world where dangers lurk behind every corner and success is not measured by grades on a report card. You’ve got to find your own way, create a new path, live up to your standards, be who you were meant to be – and never give up.

And if you become a doctor and one day find me lying in front of you, nearly at death’s door, please don’t pull the plug just because I wrote you up for throwing Mary Jane’s homework assignment out the bus window. I was just doing my job. And now it’s time for you to go out and do yours.

Good luck graduates. You’ve reached the light at the end of the tunnel. Enjoy the sunshine.

Put a smile on your face -- even if you have to fake it

2009-05-17T13:02:00.005-05:00

To be a really good bus driver it helps if you're happy all the time. It's good for the students, it's good for the teachers, and it's good for your blood pressure, which is really the main point.

But can bus drivers really be happy all the time? Are you kidding? Some days we just want to stop the bus, get off, head to the nearest stock pond to do a little fishing, and leave that busload of wild Indians to manage for themselves.

But we can't, because most of the riders are too young to drive, and if one ever figured out how to do it, wouldn't THAT be headline news on the local TV station:

"Today in Stinky Creek, Texas, a school bus driver, fed up with his job, left his riders on the bus and went fishing.

Little Johnny, who is only a second grader, figured out how to start the bus and drove the rest of the students home.

It's not sure at this time whether or not the bus driver will lose his job, but the probability of it is very high."

Not only would a story like that make headlines locally, but I'm sure it would be picked up on all national channels, and even find its way over to Europe and beyond.

There are many days when I feel like I'm just going around in circles -- which I am. And there are many days when I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I get mighty depressed because I know my route doesn't go that way. But why take it out on the kids? They just want to get home to play Nintendo after a long day of hearing, "Don't do that. Sit down. Stop running. Why are you talking so loud? Do you act this way at home? Don't get smart with me. I'm calling your mother."

What they don't need is Mr. Grumpy as a bus driver. What they need is an adult who will keep them safe, get them home and smile at the same time.

Oh well, it's just my opinion.

June Bug season is always open

2009-05-10T21:44:00.002-05:00

A windshield is nothing more than a huge June bug annihilator, and if it wasn't for school buses, those little varmints would take over the planet and that would be just down right creepy.

Just for fun (and to make sure I'm doing my share in thinning the June bug herd so they'll never rise up en masse to take over our world) I decided to see how many June bugs splatter on my windshield in a week's time, and how long I could drive without cleaning any of them off. Not only that, but I wanted to see who would notice my disgusting windshield first -- students, a teacher, or Eduardo our transportation guy.

On Monday, I started off my first route of the week with a clean windshield. By the time I got back to school, there were 73 bug splatters, but not near enough to restrict my vision. I calculated that by Friday, I would have more than 730 bug splats and have only an inch of clean windshield to see through. But, my fact-finding mission came to abrupt halt.

Even though my windshield was nasty in bug guts, not a single student -- or Eduardo -- mentioned it. But, the school secretary just happened to walk in front of my bus, took one look at my windshield and almost barfed up her eggs and bacon.

School secretaries are important. They help you when nobody else will. It's in your best interest to make them happy. If they dislike you, you might as well start looking for a new job. So, I cleaned my windshield muy pronto and decided counting bug guts wasn't worth the price I'd have to pay.

Oh well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

The drive isn't bad, but the smells can kill you

2009-05-03T12:02:00.002-05:00

There's really nothing difficult about driving a bus. Get in, crank it up, back up, turn around, go forward, dodge dogs, open door, close door, give Little Johnny the "evil eye," speed up, slow down, turn around again, turn on lights, focus on highway and not on Little Emily singing "The Hokey Pokey," pull brake, let the kiddoes out, park the bus, then do it all again in eight hours. Piece of cake!

But there is one thing about bus driving that some drivers can never get used to -- the smells.

Body odor is a shocker -- especially on a hot day when the kids are just coming in from the playground. I've seen grown men cry like babies at just the thought of it. No wonder the teachers are happy to see their students leave at the end of the day.

Cigarette smoke is never good -- especially in the mornings when Little Johnny gets on the bus and smells as if he just smoked a pack of Virginia Slims.

Skunks and cow pastures are the next big nostril openers, but us guys who drive in the country are pretty used to those smells.

But there is one smell I don't think I'll ever get used to. It's the smell of bacon and eggs and pancakes with maple syrup on a kid who just had a good breakfast -- and the only thing I have waiting for me back at the bus barn is a cold pop tart.

When I smell breakfast on a kid, my stomach starts to turn back flips and I can actually hear it yelling, "Stop the bus and go see if those parents will fix you a plate. Do it now, or you'll be sorry!"

I don't think parents have a clue how hard it is for bus drivers to concentrate on the road when they send their children to the bus reeking of French toast, powdered sugar and chocolate milk.

So, to all you parents, there's only one way to keep us bus drivers focused on our job and not on scrambled eggs and hot steaming cups of coffee: Every now and then, send us out a couple of sizzling slices of hickory-smoked bacon or a sausage link or two. Your child's safety is worth it.

Getting a school bus education

2009-04-26T05:16:00.001-05:00

I don't understand why kids complain about riding the bus. They get to see so many things and learn so many valuable lessons while riding that I would think they'd be begging to take the bus to school and back.

For instance: Just the other day as we were passing by the dairy farm, we got to see a dead cow in the middle of the pasture, being devoured by vultures. We're not talking about "Jungle Book" vultures that sing and talk with fake British accents, nosirree! We're talking about real, live, rip-the-beast-apart-until-it's-just-bones vultures that are almost as big as 747s. Yep, non-riders won't see that stuck in a classroom!

And then there was the time a wild horse broke out of its pen and we got to see a real rodeo roundup. And while we were waiting, we got to see some cows engaging in "cow love." If that's not an education in and of itself, I don't know what is.

One of my first stops is at a house where the father meets his little girls out in the front yard -- without a shirt on. Now, if he had abs like a body builder, it wouldn't be so bad (well, it would be for me because I don't get a thrill out of seeing male abs), but he doesn't. He has a body like Drew Carey. And what do my young riders learn from seeing this beer-gut extrovert? They learn that they better get to the gym and watch what they eat. Sometimes, seeing the results of bad habits is a stronger learning tool than just hearing a lecture about it.

Yep, the school bus is just one more part of the process we call education. So, put you're kids on the bus -- you'll be surprised what they tell you when they get home.

School Bus Philosophy

2009-04-19T07:14:00.001-05:00

Every morning after I've cranked up Bus No. 6, I relax behind that big bus steering wheel, listen to the engine warm up, and contemplate the meaning of life and my place in the universe. I haven't made many discoveries yet, but I keep at it.

I bet most bus drivers are closet philosophers and can tell you more about life and living than Oprah. For instance, just the other day I realized that after a person has driven a bus for more than five years, that person starts to look and act just like their bus.

Need proof? Well, here ya go: The gentleman who drives Bus No. 54 talks a big game but that's what it always is -- just talk. His bus has a great heater, but all the heat stays up front.

Ready for more? The lady who drives Bus No. 33 always wears too much makeup. Her bus is spotless -- but underneath, it's still just a bus.

How about this: Bus No. 41 has a bunch of get-up-and-go, but once it reaches cruising speed, you'd get to wherever you're going faster if you just got out and walked. The gentleman who drives the bus is exactly the same -- great on ideas, but terrible at getting it done.

And finally: I drive Bus No. 6. It rattles a lot, makes a lot of noise, but it's nothing really worth listening to. Need I say more?

North to Alaska

2009-04-12T07:51:00.001-05:00

I've always wondered what it would be like to drive a school bus in Alaska. In fact, several years ago I was offered a job up there, way beyond the Arctic Circle, but the wife put her foot down -- right on my toes -- and that was the end of that.

But still, it got me wondering what sort of things those Alaskan school bus drivers must be prepared for as they go out on each and every route.

I can imagine that they have to keep a set of blankets, one for each child, just in case the bus breaks down in the middle of nowhere, but do you think they might also carry a portable wood burning stove as well? Just go out, chop down some wood, and keep those kids nice and toasty until help comes? I don't know.

If they do, then that means they also have to carry an axe or a chainsaw. You can't chop down trees with just a pocket knife.

But if you're out in the wilderness, chopping down trees in the middle of nowhere, wouldn't there be a high risk of being attacked by a Grizzly Bear? I betcha the chances are pretty good. So does that mean the drivers also have to be packing weapons -- say a deer rifle or maybe a bazooka? I don't know.

And what would happen if a bus driver WAS attacked by a Grizzly and he/she killed it? They'd have to be prepared to field dress it, so that means extra knives and forks, because you wouldn't want that meat to go to waste -- especially since you have a bus load of cold, hungry children who hadn't had their supper.

Yep, I bet it would be one adventure after another up there. So, if you know of any Alaskan bus drivers who would like to swap routes for a week or two, just let me know. I'm raring to go!

To Pee or Not to Pee?

2009-04-05T07:51:00.003-05:00

To Pee or Not to Pee? That is the question. Whether it be nobler to stand tall and refuse to take "the cup" or bow down to rules and regulations and try not to get any pee on your hands is a question that has already been answered. We pee! And if we don't, someone else is driving our route and taking home the paycheck.

But that doesn't mean we can't "work the system" every now and then.

So, follow along with me on this one: It's 2 p.m. You just got the call that it's your turn to fill the cup. And it's a good thing too because you've been needing to pee for quite some time. But wait -- today is Little Johnny's birthday, and all 12 of his never-been-aboard-a-bus friends are all riding to his house for the party. Just thinking about it makes you want to do some heavy drugs -- but you can't because "the cup," it is awaiting.

So, let's work the system a bit: Before you head over to the "Drug Testing Area," pee like a horse and get it all out of your system. Then, since you won't be able to pee up to the line, you'll have to stay there until you do. Even if it's all day! Even if it's all day and past you bus route time. Which means, BY LAW, somebody else is going to have to drive a bunch of boys home to a birthday party.

Now, of course, there is a price to pay. There's ALWAYS a price to pay. When you "discover" you just can't pee up to the line, they're going to ask you to drink a couple of huge glasses of water to get some pee out of you. And do you know what happens when you have to drink a couple of back-to-back huge glasses of water? Not only will you fill up that cup today, but you'll be peeing every hour on the hour for the rest of the week.

So, I guess you have to weigh the pros and cons. Either that, or just PRETEND that you can't pee. Keep pretending up until the time those buses pull out with all those little children, then let the good times flow.

Hmmmm, I wish I had thought of that earlier. Excuse me...I have to pee again.

No whistling allowed!

2009-03-29T07:19:00.000-05:00

Little Emily -- Mr. Bus Driver, why are you whistling on the bus?

Mr. Bus Driver -- Because I can.

Little Emily -- But Mr. Bus Driver, you're not supposed to whistle on the bus.

Mr. Bus Driver -- Oh really? I didn't know that.

Little Emily -- Why not? Aren't you the bus driver?

Mr. Bus Driver -- That's what they tell me.

Little Emily -- They who?

Mr. Bus Driver -- The people who tell me to drive the bus. The people in charge.

Little Emily -- Then why didn't they tell you that you're not supposed to whistle on the bus?

Mr. Bus Driver -- I don't know. Maybe they don't like me and want to get me in trouble.

Little Emily -- Well, I like you. You're much better than our last bus driver. He had hair growing out his ears.

Mr. Bus Driver -- Thanks Emily. I like you, too. Are you ready to go home now?

Little Emily -- Yes I am. But remember, don't whistle.

Mr. Bus Driver -- I wouldn't dream of it.

The Five “No No’s” of Bus Driving

2009-03-22T07:05:00.000-05:00

1. Never run out of fuel. If you have to go in early or stay late to fill up your bus, then do it. There’s nothing worse than to be coasting on fumes with a bus load of little kids all asking, “Did we run out of gas? Did we? Well, did we?” And it always happens when you’re in the middle of nowhere. Just remember – if you run out of fuel, you’re stuck with Little Johnny for a long time. And Little Johnny just learned how to pick his nose.

2. If you DO run out of fuel, never admit it. As soon as you say, “Hey kids, looks like Mr. Bus Driver forgot to fill up!” -- you’re toast. The kids will all go home, say to their parents, “Guess what happened to ME today?” and you’ll never live it down. It’s much better to lie about it, say the truck broke down due to shoddy parts imported from China, and leave it at that.

3. Don’t be in a hurry. As soon as you crank up that bus with the idea that you’ve got to make this the fastest run in the history of the world because you’ve got places to go and people to see, that will be the day Little Johnny throws up on Little Sally, you pass Little Freddie’s house and now you have to back up for half a mile, and you either run out of fuel or get hit by a tractor. It’s best to slow down, relax and don’t even think about tempting fate with speed.

4. Never threaten to kick a rider off the bus. For instance, Little Bernie is belching in Little Emma’s ear. He does it all the time. You threaten that if he does it one more time, “I’m gonna turn this bus around and take you back to school,” or you yell, “Do you want me to stop and let you walk home from here?” Seriously, do you REALLY want to go back to school and miss The Wheel of Fortune? And what happens if he WANTS off the bus so he can walk home? Deal with it some other way. Waterboarding may be an option.

5. Never run over a kid’s dog. One afternoon, two dogs were chasing each other beside my bus and one ran into the street – right under my tires.The dog was yowling in pain under my bus. I tried to see if there was anything I could do, but he was soon to be a goner. When I got back on the bus, those kids were sitting there, eyes wide open in shock. The dog was still yowling. The little boy in the front seat looked straight at me and said, “That was MY dog!” The whole thing was so pathetic. I’ll remember it until I get Alzheimer's. So when you see a pet in the road, slow down.

Here we go again

2009-03-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

It's funny how you wait and wait for a break, and then when you get one, you can't sleep in late because you're so used to waking up at 5 a.m. that you just can't do anything else. And when you do get up, you feel like you've forgotten something, or someone, and it just nags at you until you've had your second cup of coffee and read the morning paper. Bus driving gets in your blood, courses through your veins, and once bitten, you never recover.

And then before you know it, your vacation's over and it's time to get back to the grind. Well, let me tell ya it could be a lot worse -- a WHOLE lot worse. At least we have jobs. At least we have a place to go to in the mornings instead of the unemployment line. At least we're driving something bigger than Bubba's pickup truck, and if he even LOOKS like he's going to pass through our blinking lights and stop sign, we know we could take him out if we had a mind to, but we don't because there are kids on board and we're more professional than that. But we gave it some thought.

Yes indeed. My blood runs yellow. How about yours?

Time to relax!

2009-03-08T14:06:00.002-05:00

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Summer" and "Vacation." But since summer's several months away, "Spring" and "Break" will have to do for now. Spring -- a time for growing, renewal, new life, and warm days. Break -- meaning to sever, cut, split, crack and smash. But together, the words take on a much different meaning -- a meaning that implies sleeping late, relaxing all day in your PJs, and not having to wash down the bus because Little Johnny got sick and spewed Malted Cocoa Puffs all over the floor.

Spring Break -- a time for letting other people drive, because there's no way I'm going to be anyone's chauffeur this week. No how, no way!

Spring Break -- a time for travelling down the highway at speeds faster than 50 mph!

Spring Break -- a time for driving over railroad crossings without having to stop!

Spring Break -- a time for kicking any troublemaker out of my car if they don't follow the rules -- kids, wife, in-laws!

Spring Break -- a time for being able to pick your nose while you drive without fear of being caught on the surveillance camera.

Spring Break -- a time for reflecting about the meaning of life, where you stand in the overall scheme of the universe, your purpose and what...

Hold on. This is getting too deep. Reminds me of Little Johnny and his Cocoa Puffs.

Spring Break -- it is what it is, and that's good enough for me!

It's time to enlist the wisdom of Sherlock Holmes

2009-03-01T15:42:00.004-06:00

When you're a bus driver, you have to use all your years of experience to anticipate what a rider might do, speculate what they're doing, be sneaky enough to make them THINK you know what they just did so they'll confess to it, and then scare the pee out of them so they'll never again do what they were just caught doing. And to achieve that objective, sometimes you have to enlist spies -- like Sherlock Holmes' Baker Street Irregulars.

The Baker Street Irregulars were a bunch of street kids that Holmes used to ferret out information heard on the street. He'd give them their marching orders, send them out to reconnoiter and spy, and when they brought back the information he requested, give them a shilling or two, then send them on their way. It was a win-win situation for all.

So, if I gather some of my sneakier elementary riders, tell them to be on the lookout for anyone who isn't following the rules (like eating or writing on the backs of seats), and to report back to me, I could give them a Coke or Dr. Pepper, and it would be a win-win situation for all -- except for the "bad guys."

I always did like Sherlock Holmes. All I need now is a funny hat and a pipe. Anyone want to volunteer to be my Watson?

Where does all this trash come from?

2009-02-22T10:45:00.002-06:00

Do you remember "Pigpen," the character in the Peanuts comic strip that walks around in a cloud of dirt? Well, HE RIDES MY BUS!! I swear it! I'd recognize that little dirt cloud anywhere, and so would you! Of course, I can't figure out which one of my riders actually IS Pigpen because he's riding incognito (I'm sure after all those years of living in the public eye he just wants to live a simple life, like you and me), but I know he rides my bus. I just KNOW it!

In fact, I think his cousins ride the bus, too, but I'm not sure which ones they are, either.

Now, I can't say my bus is the cleanest in the fleet. I try to get my riders to throw things away in the trashcan, to not eat on the bus, to leave everything in their backpacks -- but they're kids, and it's better if I worry about that 18-wheeler coming my way instead of whether or not Little Johnny is dumping his backpack all over the floor. But when I DO sweep up their mess (which I hate to do worse than anything), it's messy again by the end of the next day! Why? It's Pigpen!

One day I'm going to find him. And when I do, I'm going to ask for his autograph, ask what it was like to work with such great characters as Charlie Brown and Snoopy, and ask that he clean up my bus or find some other way to get to school!

Me -- a bus driver for the Stars! Who would have thunk it?

Never trust you gauges

2009-02-15T10:34:00.002-06:00

The most important piece of advice given to me in my early days of driving was this: Don't trust the kids, don't trust the weatherman, and never trust your gauges. It may sound to you like a pessimistic way of going through life, but if you've never been a bus driver, then you don't know up from down and you need to keep your opinions to yourself.

Don't trust kids -- The other day one of my older riders "swore" he didn't have a can of Pepsi hidden in his jacket, even though I knew he was hiding one. And then he "swore" the Pepsi wasn't his, that he bought it for someone else. And then he "swore" he wasn't going to drink it because he was taking it home to a dying relative whose last wish was to have one more Pepsi even if the doctors forbade it. Guess what I found after my route? An empty Pepsi can. I guess tomorrow he'll "swear" it was there when he got on the bus and that it wasn't his.

Don't trust the weatherman -- The other day our local weatherman said there would be no chance of rain for a week. So, after my route, since I was in a hurry to get home and watch "Wheel of Fortune," I didn't close the windows on the bus -- and it rained cats and dogs. We needed the rain -- but not in my bus.

Never trust your gauges -- When my bus is running on fumes, my fuel gauge reads only half empty. If I were to trust my fuel gauge, I'd end up out of fuel in the cow pasture with a bus load of little ones, surrounded by a herd of cows "taking care of business." And every one of those little ones would be covering their noses and begging to walk home -- even if their homes were just around the corner, which they never are. I ran out of fuel once that way, and I'll never let it happen again. When the odometer reads that I've gone 350 miles, I start thinking about adding fuel.

Yep, these are all life lessons that are not taught in any school. You have to learn them by experience, trial and error, getting up at 5 and grabbing the bus by the horns and teaching it who's boss!

What a life!

Let's go muddin'

2009-02-08T09:23:00.000-06:00

Oh yeah, baby! There's nothing quite like going muddin' in a bus. Of course, I don't partake of the fun every day, but if the opportunity arises, I don't mind taking advantage of it and letting the devil take the hindmost. Of course, then I have to come up with an explanation of why there's so much mud on and IN the bus, but that's a small price to pay for the fun of it!

So, I was coming around a corner, with a full load on my bus, when I saw a dead tree lying across the road. Couldn't go over it, couldn't go under it -- had to go around it, even if it meant letting a little mud fly. Of course, going "cross country" gave the riders something to talk about all day. And when they were all on the bus in the afternoon, that's what they were still talking about -- and that's what they wanted to do again!

Nothing wrong with a little muddin'! Getting stuck isn't so great, but muddin' is!

Ask your bus driver

2009-02-01T14:12:00.002-06:00

Dear Mr. Bus Driver: Little Johnny keeps taking out his pencils and markers and won't put them away in his backpack when I tell him to. What should I do?
Dear Rider: Leave Little Johnny alone. The only way some people learn is the hard way, and when he gets his eye poked out, he'll remember next time to keep them in his backpack (his pencils, not his eye).

Dear Mr. Bus Driver: I'm in 2nd grade and I really like the boy who sits in Seat No. 15. I think he's in 6th grade. If you would give him an assigned seat next to me, I'd be your best friend forever.
Dear Rider: He's too old for you. He probably doesn't even know your name. And besides, if it's the boy I'm thinking of, you don't WANT him to sit by you.

Dear Mr. Bus Driver: I really don't think you know how to drive. I bet monkeys could drive this bus better than you. You drive too slow, you hit all the bumps, and frankly, I think you're too old. Have you ever thought about retiring?
Dear Rider: Thank you for your kind observations. I drive slow because I'm trying to aggravate you. I hit all the bumps because you sit in the back and I like to see you fly. I may be old, but I'm not dumb enough to say a lot of bad things in a letter, then sign it like you did, Randy Smith, 9th grader who sits in Seat No. 25, who lives at 101 Maple Street.

Country route vs. city route

2009-01-25T13:31:00.005-06:00

Driving a country route is just like driving a city route except there are more cows -- most of the time way off in a pasture, sometimes right in the middle of the road. The only other thing that's different between the two are the riders themselves. Country riders and city riders are as different as night and day -- so much so that a blind bus driver (and there are a lot of them out there, I guarantee!) could tell the difference.

When a bus full of city riders pass over a dead skunk, they scream and shout and hold their noses, some even pretending to faint dead away in the aisles. Country riders say, "What? I don't smell nothing!"

When a bus full of city riders see a deer out in the woods (not that they would, but let's just pretend), they scream and shout, "Look, there's a deer. It's Bambi. Isn't he beautiful?" Country riders take one look at the deer's rack, pull out pretend deer rifles and blow the buck to smithereens.

When a bus full of city riders see the bus hit a squirrel trying to cross the road, they scream and shout for the driver to be more careful next time because squirrels are so cute and huggable. Country riders beg the bus driver to stop so they can scoop up the remains because squirrels taste great in stew.

City riders are in a hurry to get home because they have TV, the internet, GameBoy and Nientendo waiting for them. Country riders are in no hurry because when they get home, they have to stack hay bales, feed the cows and walk the pig around the block before they can do their homework.

And finally, city riders think they can get away with anything because they believe the bus driver can’t do much about it. Country riders, on the other hand, tow the line because the driver lives just down the road, knows every parent by first name, and those same parents have given him permission to "do whatever it takes to make my child behave and I'll support you without question."

Thank God I'm a country boy!

The five most dreaded words said on a bus

2009-01-18T10:44:00.000-06:00

I've been driving for a long time and can tell you not much gets to me anymore. Hit a rabbit? Well, that's too bad. Blow a tire? So what! Get hit by a John Deere tractor? Been there, done that! But there is one thing that makes my guts tighten up in mortal terror; one thing that every bus driver dreads to hear -- especially when they're driving down an old country road in the middle of nowhere; five little words spoken by a frantic little rider usually right in your ear when you least expect it. And those five little words are: "I feel like throwing up!"

Now, teachers have it easy. All they have to do is yell, "Run to the bathroom. Run! Quick! Don't stop for anyone or anything!" And off the little bugger goes, happy to vomit in the toilet or at least in the hall if he doesn't quite make it -- which still is a whole lot better than barfing up last night's chicken wings in front of his friends and neighbors. But on a bus, there's nowhere to run, there's nowhere to hide.

"Mr. Bus Driver, Little Johnny just barfed up some oatmeal right in seat No. 4!" Yep! That can really make a bus driver's day. The only thing we can be thankful for is not being Little Suzie, who just happened to be sitting by Little Johnny, and now has oatmeal chunks all over her brand new dress.

But still, that's a whole lot better than having a rider come up and say into your ear, "I feel like throwing up." Holy Moly, child. Stay in your seat and barf on the floor if you have to. Barf on Little Johnny because he probably deserves it. But please, don't barf on me, and definitely not in my ear!

Here kitty, kitty, kitty

2009-01-11T10:01:00.001-06:00

For all of you new drivers (and old drivers who don't think about these things but should because it could happen to you), you should have a checklist of things to do before you walk away from your bus in the evening. Things like set the brake, turn off the lights, make sure all the students are off the bus before you start cussing. But that's not all. You should never forget to completely close the bus door after each and every route. And this is why -- CATS!

Some time ago, I got on my bus for my morning route and noticed something dark in my seat. I hadn't driven the afternoon before, so I thought the sub driver had placed in my chair an article of kid's clothing that he had found on the bus. To my surprise, the "article of clothing" MOVED. I quickly turned on my dome lights to find three newborn kittens in my seat. IN MY SEAT!! I gave them to a cafeteria lady and have no idea what she did with them (yeah, right!), but I learned my lesson to always shut my door completely at the end of the day -- that is, until I forgot this past week and left my door barely cracked open.

And what did I find on my bus this time? I wasn't sure at first because it was early in the morning and dark, but when I went to pick it up, it kindof broke apart between my fingers (luckily I had gloves on). I quickly turned on my dome light and found -- CAT BARF!! That's right, I said CAT BARF!! But at least it wasn't in my seat this time.

So take it from me -- get off the bus and then CLOSE THE DOOR! And DON'T forget!

All rested up and ready to Rock 'n Roll!

2009-01-04T10:30:00.000-06:00

Two weeks at home can really drive a guy like me bonkers. Get up, sit around, get the mail, go to in-law's, come back home and watch some TV, fall sleep on the couch, get up and start it all over again, and wonder how I'm ever going to survive retirement. It drives a guy bonkers so much so that ANYTHING, even work, is a welcomed escape. So now, with my bones (and buns) thoroughly rested, I'm ready to hop into the big chair, turn that key, and get to rollin', rollin', rollin', keep those dawgies rollin', rawhide!

And I know just how I'm going to start off this new year. Assigned Seats! No more of this "she won't give me my marker back," and "He's sitting too close to me," and "she's eating something and she's not supposed to," and "when are we going to get home because I really have to pee!" Nope, I'm giving everybody an assigned seat -- away from their friends and people they bug -- and I'm going to tell them that if I hear just one word from them -- just ONE WORD -- I'm gonna, I'm gonna...and I will, too.

Two whole weeks of vacation bliss

2008-12-21T16:11:00.000-06:00

The last kid got off the bus, I turned off my master switch, coasted into the bus yard, set the brake -- and went on break! I thought about sweeping up some of the trash, but hey, it can wait until I get back. I've got two weeks of peace and quiet coming to me, and I'm not going to waste a minute. Two whole weeks of being still, talking softly, of not having to worry about who's doing what, where, when, how and why! And it couldn't have come at a better time! I don't think I could have handled one more week of driving.

So, if you don't mind, I will sign off for now and will meet up with you again after the new year. 2009! Can you believe it? And it seems just like 1985 was yesterday and I was driving my first bus! I even remember telling Mrs. Blasingame (secretary at the elementary school) that all I wanted for Christmas was a school bus -- and she gave me one! A Tonka School Bus! And I still have it!

And now -- Christmas break! Have a Merry Christmas, and I'll see you on the other side!

Ten Excuses That Might Calm Down an Irate Transportation Supervisor

2008-12-14T16:09:00.000-06:00

Okay -- you're alarm clock didn't go off, you overslept, there's no way you can make it to your bus on time, and you had to call your transportation supervisor to pass on the "good news." Luckily, he's yelling so loud into the phone you can't quite understand every single word, but you get the impression he's a bit miffed. Sooner or later you're going to have to face him, and it's better to face him with one of these "Ten Excuses That Might Calm Down an Irate Transportation Supervisor."

"I was having this wild dream about being chased by Amazon women, and I didn't want it to end." (Works if you're a guy, not so much if you're female)
"I woke up and thought it was Saturday." (Could happen)
"I didn't get any sleep last night because my goats got out of their pen and I had to chase them all night." (It's best to actually have goats if you're going to use this one)
"My spouse and I were engaging in a wild night of lovemaking and..." (Don't even try it. It'll just make things worse)
"Our microwave timer went out, so my wife used my alarm clock and forgot to change the settings back." (I don't know. If it works for you, let me know)
"My alarm clock didn't go off." (NEVER tell the truth. That's the only thing they won't believe)
"I had a vision that the world was going to end and I wanted to spend my last few minutes with my family." (Only works if you have a history of mental problems)
"I'm sorry. I blew it. Go ahead and fire me. I deserve it." (Not really an excuse, but since there is nobody just "dying" to take your place, it's doubtful you'll be fired)
"Would you believe..." (Never start off an excuse with "would you believe" because right off the bat, they won't)
"My dog ate my alarm clock." (Works every time!)

WORDS OF ADVICE: When making excuses, it's best to look humble, head held low, speak softly and carry a big plate of cookies.

To sing or not to sing, but definitely no barking

2008-12-07T16:08:00.000-06:00

I don't know what to do. You see, there's this little girl who sits right behind me, and she's been singing Christmas carols for the last few days. She sings them every morning and afternoon. I have no idea what song she's singing, but I know it's a Christmas song because I hear her say "Christmas" and "presents" and "Santa." Everything else is pretty high, squeaky and unintelligible -- and it's driving me insane.

Friday morning, I decided to grin and bare it for as long as I could in the hopes she'd get tired and stop. But she didn't! Fortunately for me, she started barking like a dog for some reason, and that's when I told her to sit there and be quiet for the rest of the trip.

But what do I do NEXT week when she starts singing again? Do I sit there, biting on a bullet to lesson the pain? Or do I squash her "festive self-esteem" by telling her to knock it off so I can drive in peace and quiet?

Oh, the decisions we bus drivers must constantly make! Especially around the holidays!

I think I've got BTSD

2008-11-30T16:07:00.000-06:00

I really was looking forward to Thanksgiving break, but I couldn't sleep late (I woke up when I always do), I kept feeling like I was forgetting to do something (like pick up kids), and whenever the cat meowed, I'd look over my shoulder and yell, "Will you please sit down, turn around and be quiet!"

I'm pretty sure I have BTSD -- Bus Traumatic Stress Disorder.

BTSD is a malady thousands of bus drivers suffer with but never say a word about. And it's easy to spot: You can see it when they're driving their SUVs and stop at every railroad crossing. You can see it when they're driving their mini vans and turn on their hazard lights whenever they stop. You can see it when they never drive their Hondas over 50 mph on the highway. You can see it when their spouses complain about their driving, and they clench their teeth and squeeze the steering wheel until their knuckles turn white, and they say things like, "How dare you lecture me about driving! I'm a professional. I own the road!" when what they SHOULD have said was, "Yes, dear, I see everyone's stopping."

I guess I could go to a doctor, but I know what he'd say. He'd say, "You need to take some time off. Get away for awhile. Maybe Hawaii's in your future. What about Alaska? There's nothing really wrong with you that I can fix. Thanks for coming by and don't forget to pay the lady at the counter."

BTSD is just something I'll have to live with, I guess. But that's okay. I'm strong. I'm dependable. I'm a bus driver, and bus drivers can do anything!

The secret to having a stress-free route

2008-11-23T16:05:00.000-06:00

After many years of driving school buses, after many years of telling little Johnny to sit down, after many years of trying to catch who's throwing paper wads across the bus, I've finally found the secret to having a stress-free route. Let me tell you all about it:

The first thing you have to do is get to the bus early and ponder on all the reasons why you should stay on the bus instead of going to Hawaii for a month. Pay is a good reason for staying; not having enough money to visit Maui is another. The point is to enjoy a few minutes of peace and quiet before the bedlam begins.

Next, when the bus is fully loaded and those kids are chattering away like no tomorrow, just imagine yourself doing something other than driving a bus. Sometimes, when I know I'm about to lose my temper and say things I wouldn't dare say in front of a preacher, I imagine I'm transporting a bunch of chickens to the processing plant to be turned into chicken McNuggets. A smile crosses my face, my temper disappears, and then I'm able to tell Little Johnny that his butt is heading to the office as soon as we get to school -- but in a polite, professional manner.

But the No. 1 way to ensure your blood pressure stays in the "acceptable" range throughout the entire route is this: adjust the rear-view mirror so you can't see what the little buggers are doing back there. Just let the camera (if you have one) do all the dirty work, and only look up when someone yells, "Mr. Bus Driver! Roger just threw Little Johnny out the window."

On second thought, it might be better not to look up at all.

When the alarm clock goes off, it's best to get out of bed

2008-11-16T16:03:00.000-06:00

Why is it that the best sleep of the night comes between the time you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock and the time you wake up and realize you might not make it to your bus on time?

That's what happened to me this past Monday morning. I was having a great dream (Rated G, of course), when I popped out of bed and realized I should be popping out the door.

I got to Bus No. 6 just as I should have been leaving, and found my door closed shut because I slammed it too hard the afternoon before. So, I had to crawl in the back (which is no easy feat for a guy my age) and finally got the thing cranked up when I remembered I had meant to be at the bus early because I was practically out of fuel.

There was only one thing for me to do -- I got down on my knees and prayed to the Bus Gods to let me squeeze another 50-mile route out of my almost-empty tank. I even promised if I made it, I would start sweeping up the trash in the afternoons and maybe wash the windshield every now and then.

Luckily, I made it back to the school with a couple of ounces to spare.

The moral of the story is this: Twenty minutes of blissful sleep is not worth the chance of being stranded on the side of the road with a bunch of screaming kids because you ran out of fuel. Besides, then you have to face your fellow bus drivers. Oh, they may not say anything to your face, but you can see the laughter in their eyes.

Barack Obama will be our next president

2008-11-09T15:57:00.000-06:00

Well, the antichrist has arrived and he goes by the name of Barack. I don't know who voted for him, but I know it wasn't me. Ever since I heard (from a reliable source) he wants all bus governors to be set at 45 mph in order to save fuel, I thought this wasn't the president we need. Those trips after a Friday night football game are already long enough, and if he had really been a "man of the people," he would have known that. But that's not all I've heard. I've heard plenty and it scares me to death.

Did you hear he wants us drivers to actually smile at our riders and wish them a "Good morning," and then in the afternoon a "See you tomorrow" in order to improve their self esteem? I'm sorry, but what about MY self esteem. It does me good to yell at a student every now and then. All this smiling makes me nauseous.

Did you hear he wants us to all dress professionally? He wants us men drivers to wear a coat and tie! Is he crazy? Give a bus driver a tie and he might wrap it around some kid's neck who won't stop singing "Everybody Dance Now" in a high screechy voice.

Did you hear that if a long line of cars are stuck behind our school bus, he wants us to pull to the side and let them pass? Listen -- letting a long line of foreign-made cars pass around me is a concept they'll have to beat into me with a tire iron before I comply. I'm a school bus driver. I own the road!

One of these days, we'll elect a president that used to be a school bus driver. Until then, we'll just have to remember what we've learned as drivers -- that sooner or later, all routes come to an end.

There's nothing better than a good heater

2008-11-02T15:55:00.000-06:00

At 6 a.m., when the temperature is hovering just above freezing; when exhaled breath looks like steam in the frigid air; and when sitting on a vinyl bus seat feels like sitting on a block of ice with no pants on -- there's nothing that is more appreciated than a bus heater that pumps out warm air like there's no tomorrow. So, if anybody out there has a bus like that, I would appreciate borrowing it for awhile. I'm cold, and my bus is colder.

As you can guess, I'm back to driving Bus No. 23. My bus is in the shop again, and I'm not a happy camper.

Bus No. 23 DOES have a heater, but it's one of those new-fangled psychological heaters. Here's how one works -- you flip the little switch that's labeled "Heater," you hear a lot of heater-like noises, and your brain tricks you into believing that actual heat is coming from the little bitty vents located nowhere near where you're sitting. You do feel warmer for awhile (about 37 seconds), but after that, you just turn off the noise and welcome the cold quiet of the morning. The only thing colder would be outer space, but not by much.

I think I'm in love

2008-10-26T15:54:00.000-05:00

Until Wednesday, I didn't believe my thoughts and words affected what went on in my daily life. But then I started singing that song, "That's The Night That The Lights Went Out In Georgia," and do you know what happened? My bus headlights went out. At 6:30 in the morning, when it's good and dark. And nothing will wake up a bus driver faster than having no headlights.

The first time it happened I was going pretty slow and had only one rider on the bus. But the next time it happened, I was going downhill, on gravel, and when I slammed on those brakes, you should have seen that bus fishtail. Luckily, I still only had one rider, but her eyes let me know exactly what she was thinking: "What's that man doing with the lights? And why do I have to die in a school bus?"

Well, I called up Eduardo, the bus maintenance guy (Don't worry -- I called while the bus was stopped) and he brought me a new bus right away -- and I mean new. It was bus No. 18, and you could still smell the new in it. And the engine was real quiet. And the door didn't rattle. And the heater worked. And the blinkers turned off automatically, by themselves. It was so new, the governor hadn't been set.

I think I'm in love.

A formal apology to my young riders

2008-10-19T15:53:00.000-05:00

Dear riders: As you probably noticed, I was driving a little bit faster Friday afternoon than I usually do. It's not unusual for you to feel the bumps and potholes along our route, but I'm sure you knew something was going on when I hit that cattle guard at full speed. And Little Johnny, I sorely apologize to you for bumping you right over the back of Seat No. 20, into Seat No. 22.

Well, the whole problem started when I had a huge glass of sweet tea at about 2:45 p.m. It was so good, I had another. And, well, to be blunt about the whole thing, 15 minutes into the route I really needed to pee. And I mean I was pretty desperate.

I thought about stopping at Little Suzie's house and begging her parents to let me use their bathroom, but I'm really not supposed to leave the bus with you kids on board. And then I thought I could stop the bus, pop the hood and pretend to check the engine while really taking care of "business," but with my luck somebody's parents would drive by just at that time, and then I'd REALLY be in a load of trouble.

So, in the end, I did the only thing I could do -- drive a bit faster and hope my bladder wouldn't explode. And believe me kids, if you think every bump was bad for you, it was doubly bad for me.

Just in case you're wondering, I made it back to the school without wetting my pants, and I've learned my lesson to always "go" before I go.

Ways you can tell if the guy behind the wheel is a lunatic

2008-10-12T15:50:00.000-05:00

Not to scare you or anything, but some bus drivers have no business driving a school bus. And where our schools find these people (maybe hitchhiking down the interstate) is a mystery never to be solved. So, having been a driver for all of my adult life, I hereby give you the following clues to look for when determining whether or not your bus driver is a psycho.

Your bus driver may be a psycho if he aims for squirrels and other animals (like cows) crossing the road.
Your bus driver may be a psycho if he speeds up when going over speed bumps.
Your bus driver may be a psycho if he turns off the bus before "correcting" a rider (when the bus is off, so is the security camera so there's no proof of what he's doing).
Your bus driver may be a psycho if he constantly whistles the Indiana Jones theme song while he's driving (it means he's in the mood to do something daring, possibly dangerous).
Your bus driver may be a psycho if he watches for deer more than he watches the road.
Your bus driver may be a psycho if he drives with one eye closed just to see if he can.
Your bus driver may be a psycho if he hits a deer and field dresses it on the spot or ties it to the hood of the bus to clean it later.

The Bus No. 6 "Eagle Eye" Movie Review

2008-10-05T15:49:00.000-05:00

When you've driven a bus for as long as I have, there are days you just feel like yelling and screaming and kicking some kid off the bus in the middle of nowhere, and you really don't care if you get fired because it would be worth it. THOSE are the days it's best to just go watch a movie. So, I took the day off and saw "Eagle Eye."

There's nothing like seeing a suspenseful, action-packed story in the middle of the day, especially when there are only six people in the theater. But I must say I was a little disappointed with the movie. Why, do you ask? Because it turned out to be a chick flick.

Yes, there was plenty to keep you on the edge of your seat like car chases, missile launches, spy satellites, military hardware, and people dying right and left. But in the end, it was a chick flick.
In summary: boy meets girl, they don't hit it off at first but they get to know each other, they get chased, a lot of cars crash, a lot of people die, they grow closer, they band together to stop an evil entity from taking over the world, and it ends with a kiss. Yessirree! In my book, that's a chick flick. But I must say, the popcorn was good and I didn't hear one screaming kid.

There's nothing like saying hello to an old friend

2008-09-28T15:48:00.000-05:00

(28 Sept 2008) -- Bus 6 has been in the shop for about two weeks. It was down with a bad case of starter-itis, which meant I had to drive Bus 23 for awhile. Now, that may not mean anything to you (a bus is a bus, right?), but to me, life just isn't the same without Bus 6. It's an old friend, and I'm glad it's out of intensive care.

I try to tell people that buses have there own unique personality. Some you like, some you don't. Some buses are a bit quirky, which I don't mind, but some are just plain mean and nasty. I had to drive Bus 24 and it was the mean and nasty type. It didn't want you pressing on the brake too hard, and when you did, they locked up in protest. Eduardo, the bus maintenance guy, took him behind the shed and that's the last I saw of that bus. That's when I got Bus 23.

Bus 23 isn't a "bad" bus, it's just not Bus 6. I didn't feel right in the seat, I couldn't get use to the automatic door opener, I don't think I ever found the defrost, and the gas gauge was all whopper-jawed (it showed empty all the time when there was fuel still left in it).

Anyways, Bus 6 is all better now, and we're going through the process of getting reacquainted. Better days are yet to come, and I'm one happy camper again -- and so is Bus 6. I can tell.

Part Two: The cows are against me

2008-09-21T15:47:00.000-05:00

Okay, now I'm going to finish what I started last week, but was rudely interrupted by Hurricane Ike.

My bus route is probably the only route in Texas that goes through a cow pasture -- complete with cattle guards and cows. Usually when I head through the cow pasture, the cows are way off somewhere else, leaving me and my bus and my kiddoes happily alone. But THIS year, the cows seem to enjoy standing on the road, taking care of "business" (if you know what I mean), leaving me with a smelly, stinky bus.

Sometimes the cows move out of my way as I drive up, but other times they seem to stand there as if they're daring me to hit them.

Well, let me tell you what happened the other day. As I was approaching the cow pasture, about 20 cows were standing at the cattle guard, lined up like they were the offensive line of the Dallas Cowboys, staring at me as if they were saying, "Yeah, you just try to come through here." Those cows didn't move until I was almost right in front of them, and then when they DID move, they seemed to be doing it reluctantly, even sarcastically, as if they were saying, "Yeah, we'll move, but only because we don't want to embarrass you in front of all those kids."

Like I said before: The cows are against me.

The cows are against me

2008-09-14T15:46:00.000-05:00

This will be short and sweet. Got to write it down before Hurricane Ike turns off my electricity. Don't know if this will actually make sense, but I'll give it a shot. So here goes: The cows are against me. I'll tell you more next time. Adios and have a happy Hurricane!

Don't blame me for a stinky bus

2008-09-07T15:44:00.000-05:00

I pulled up to the school on Friday and Eduardo, the bus maintenance guy, said, "You need to wash your bus -- it stinks!" At least I think that's what he said. I couldn't quite hear him because I had 45 screaming kids yelling something about the bus being stinky, but I wasn't paying attention to them because I was trying to hear Eduardo.

Well of course my bus stinks. If you had a bus full of 45 little kids, trying to drive them home in the afternoon with the temperatures reaching 95, and not a one of them knowing what deodorant is, and at the same time driving through a cow pasture where 100 cows decide to stand in the road to do their business, you'd have a stinky bus, too.

What's sad is I've gotten so used to it, I don't even smell a thing.

Where did all these kids come from?

2008-08-31T15:42:00.000-05:00

Holy cow! I came back from a wonderful summer of doing absolutely nothing, got on my bus first thing Monday morning and it didn't start. Eduardo, the bus mechanic guy, showed me how to hit something in the engine to make it start, and so now I've got to "hit it just right" to make it start for the rest of the year. Holy cow! I feel like Fonzy when he used to hit the juke box "just right" to make it play. All I need now is a leather jacket and a comb (but I don't need the comb 'cause I don't have much hair left, so what's the use of being a bus-driving Fonzy?)

Finally, when we got the bus started, Eduardo informed me my route is going to be longer because I'm picking up more kids this year. Where did all these kids come from? And why did they move to MY route? Don't they know I'm the meanest, orneriest, smelliest bus driver on the planet? And if they give me any lip, I'll give it right back with mustache included?

Needless to say, this past week went fine. It was hot, Little Johnny in the back kept his pants up, and I didn't have to give my lip to anyone. I guess I could say I can't wait until next week -- but I can, so I won't.