The Five “No No’s” of Bus Driving

1. Never run out of fuel. If you have to go in early or stay late to fill up your bus, then do it. There’s nothing worse than to be coasting on fumes with a bus load of little kids all asking, “Did we run out of gas? Did we? Well, did we?” And it always happens when you’re in the middle of nowhere. Just remember – if you run out of fuel, you’re stuck with Little Johnny for a long time. And Little Johnny just learned how to pick his nose.

2. If you DO run out of fuel, never admit it. As soon as you say, “Hey kids, looks like Mr. Bus Driver forgot to fill up!” -- you’re toast. The kids will all go home, say to their parents, “Guess what happened to ME today?” and you’ll never live it down. It’s much better to lie about it, say the truck broke down due to shoddy parts imported from China, and leave it at that.

3. Don’t be in a hurry. As soon as you crank up that bus with the idea that you’ve got to make this the fastest run in the history of the world because you’ve got places to go and people to see, that will be the day Little Johnny throws up on Little Sally, you pass Little Freddie’s house and now you have to back up for half a mile, and you either run out of fuel or get hit by a tractor. It’s best to slow down, relax and don’t even think about tempting fate with speed.

4. Never threaten to kick a rider off the bus. For instance, Little Bernie is belching in Little Emma’s ear. He does it all the time. You threaten that if he does it one more time, “I’m gonna turn this bus around and take you back to school,” or you yell, “Do you want me to stop and let you walk home from here?” Seriously, do you REALLY want to go back to school and miss The Wheel of Fortune? And what happens if he WANTS off the bus so he can walk home? Deal with it some other way. Waterboarding may be an option.

5. Never run over a kid’s dog. One afternoon, two dogs were chasing each other beside my bus and one ran into the street – right under my tires.The dog was yowling in pain under my bus. I tried to see if there was anything I could do, but he was soon to be a goner. When I got back on the bus, those kids were sitting there, eyes wide open in shock. The dog was still yowling. The little boy in the front seat looked straight at me and said, “That was MY dog!” The whole thing was so pathetic. I’ll remember it until I get Alzheimer's. So when you see a pet in the road, slow down.